2014 Trip - Day 2 - New York, New York!

If we had have brought a shipping container load of warm, dry clothes across from home, we would have been met with a heat wave in the middle of winter.  Instead we have chosen to pack lightly (with the intent of buying up big once we hit the west coast) and have managed to go through a few sets of clothes and shoes within the first 24 hours.   We have landed ourselves in the middle of a snow storm (the news here seems to be over using the word “vortex”. Perhaps I am jealous that I simply cannot insert that into a sentence myself) and it is cold.  F**king cold.

 The Bear and I did have the means to remain warm and dry….and by that I mean that we had the option of remaining indoors.  But nooooooo…..this pair of jet lagged Australians who have just arrived in the US of A after coming from a country in the grips of a heatwave felt that we should hit the ground running and make the most of The Big Apple.  The view of a blissfully white Central Park from our hotel room was too beautiful to resist.  It was fairly apparent that we would not be able to make the short walk there unscathed however our true Australian arrogance “knew” better.

As we left the warm foyer of our hotel it was apparent that many locals were caught unaware by the snow storm.  Cars almost buried in snow drifts lined the streets.  In some places, they appeared to be double parked.  In others it was apparent that cars had slid into one another and were abandoned by their owners.  Men on every side walk worked feverishly trying to shovel snow to not only clear the paths for patrons, but to also free the drains to allow rain and melting snow to escape.  The side walks were hazardous not only due to the snow, but because rain was freezing on top of the snow making them ridiculously slippery. Snow turned intersections into extreme hazards as patrons tried crossing roads away from the snow drifts that were deep and had collected on every corner.  If any vehicle had have tried to break to avoid a person they would not have had a hope in hell of stopping. Of course, if a car lost control and slid without the ability to get traction, patrons would not stand a chance.

 

 

 

                                                       

 

Stepping off a corner to cross the road, even at the lights, came with its own issues.  As I said before, the snow drifts were deep so it was hard to see what you were stepping off into. However the snow prevented rain from draining away and we were unable to tell how deep the water was either.  We felt that the most appropriate store to have in New York today would be one that sold snorkels and flippers because to get across the road we had to wade it waist deep water. Ok…so that is an exaggeration. We both ended up wet, and very, very cold with icy cold water saturating our shoes, socks and jeans.  This was the type of cold that went through to the bone and hurt. Snow, sleet and rain also wet our clothes (although the Bear in his wisdom had taken a semi water-resistant jacket) which complimented the icy blasts of wind.

Add to this the nutcase taxi drivers and truck drivers (yes….truck drivers on Manhattan Island) which still flew through the streets at an alarming rate, spraying up the sludge onto pedestrians; and the occasional person who was quite happy to take out another’s eye with their umbrella; the large sheets of ice that was falling from every building; potential frostbite or drowning at an intersection, it is a wonder that we made it back alive!

 

 

                       

Nothing quite screams “TOURIST!!”  like an ice covered Bear and a saturated Oompa Loompa staggering saturated into head long into arctic blasts.

 We weren’t sure where we were headed but thought if we walked in the direction of Central Park, we would at least be doing something. The weather reports state that people should stay indoors and don’t drive if you can avoid it….yet we were slipping and sliding on the snow and ice like an extremely drunk Torville and Dean.  I cannot possibly find the words to describe how cold we are.  We managed to get as far as the Time Warner Shopping Centre on Columbus Circle however all of the shops were closed.  There was no way we could cross the road to get to Central Park as the snow and ice were completely across the road sending the motorists into a spin with accidents galore.  He decided to go into Time Warner any way so that we could have a reprieve from the wind and thaw out a little.

My eyes settled on a very tall black man.  A very, VERY tall black man.  A very, very tall NAKED black man.  WTF??   It was a statue of some sort in the middle of the shopping centre although I have not got the faintest idea.  He did not bare a name and there was nothing to advertise his significance. As I got closer I saw that he was very anatomically correct.  Given that he was about 20 foot high, I was able to stare straight at his doodle.  It has taken me a few minutes to think of what I could call it.  The word “doodle” strikes me as being a word relevant for cute things.  This 20 foot giant had a very cute (ok….small) Johnson.  Mind you….it was extremely cold and I thought to myself that I bet he is thankful that he is a statue because if he wasn’t….his junk might shrink up so far that it would take a very skilled doctor to retrieve it.   As if the very, very tall, naked black man situated in the middle of the shopping centre wasn’t strange enough…..the man’s doodle was painted gold.  I mean….what the hell?!  Anyway, me being me, I could not waste the opportunity to touch the dick of a large black man and pretend my touch turns everything to gold!

 A couple of steps onwards we came across a very, very tall, anatomically correct black woman. By anatomically correct, I mean she had the whole box and dice.  Well…*cough*…a shaved box and dice. And no....I didn't touch that one!

All in all it was a relatively uneventful day which was good because we are suffering from jet lag in a MAJOR way this time.  On previous trips I have not felt it, but this time it has come with a bang.

We are hoping tomorrow is a little more fine so that we can go exploring the things that we failed to do on our first trip to New York as well as go to a theatre on Broadway to see our very first musical!

2014 Trip - Day 1 - Those bloody toilets again!

It is finally here!  Our third trip to the United States and I am so excited!  I have promised myself that I will leave my heavy heart at home.  Its only been a week since my beloved Ella passed away but I get comfort in having her around my neck.  By that I mean some of her ashes and fur in a heart shaped pendant which has paws on it.  I will have a little bit of her close to my heart.  Its not the ideal but its better than nothing.

This time we are flying to L.A and changing planes to go onto New York. Its a damned long time to be on an airplane but it will be worth it!  I have also promised myself that I will have NO toilet incidences on this trip.  Given my problems on the last two trips I think that I should be well aware of the potential hazards when having a tinkle so expect to be able to complete the task without event.  We shall see.

We have Alyx seeing us off at the airport. She will be meeting us in L.A in a month which is terribly exciting.  It is awesome to think that the next time we see her will be after she has taken her first international flight into LAX.  Cool!

Our flight to L.A departs almost on time.  The Bear and I always take comfortable clothes to change into on the flight.  You would wonder why we don't just wear the clothes on board in the first place?  Well despite the Bear having retired from his job with Qantas we still get a staff discount on flights.  Given that we are representing staff we are not allowed to wear things like denim or tracky dacks when boarding the flight.  Its a small price to pay for the discount that we receive.  We can get changed on board so alls well that ends well!  I don't usually get changed on board however given that I have had very little sleep over the past two weeks, I want to be able to pass out during the flight if possible.  That is very hard to do when you are dressed as though you are going to work!  So....this time.....I will change into tracky dacks.

Once we are in the air the Bear goes to get changed and once he gets back...so do I.   We are on one of the newer 747's which appears to be the same as the other 747's that I have travelled in.  Well....it appeared to be the same until I went into the lavatory.  Apparently Qantas felt the need to have some floor space given back to.....well I don't know what it has been given back to....but the toilet size had nearly shrunk in half. Never to mind!  I am awake to these toilets!  I get changed CAREFULLY before heading back to my seat.

I thoroughly peruse what is available with the inflight entertainment and carefully consider the movies and TV programs.  I mentally figure out what I will be watching during the first 13 hour flight making allowances for the time that I hope to be asleep.  I am excited to see that "The Blacklist" is showing and a number of movies that I am looking forward to seeing.  I decide to not start with these however as I seriously would like to get some shut-eye so feel I should watch something that will send me off to the land of nod.  I choose a documentary on identical twins.  I am fascinated with twins so this will prove not to be boring, but still should be ordinary enough to put me to sleep.  Not so.  I am yawning quite a bit however the eyes haven't closed yet.

I note that there is another documentary titled something about a man with the "largest".  The largest what????  Its not in the title.  I decide to start the program just to see what it is all about.  Well shit-a-brick-fart-a-pebble-piss-a-pool-build-a-house....its a man with the worlds largest testicles.  And when I say large....I am talking about 130 pounds large.   This dude literally had something the weight of another man swinging between his legs.  In fact, he could only walk by straddling his balls.  He also had the unique party trick of being able to eat off his balls!  When I was pregnant, sometimes I would sit a bowl of ice-cream on top of my tummy when I was eating it, but that was usually to see if my baby would kick it off.  This dude however could eat a three course meal off his nads.  Just mind blowing.  I felt sorry for the guy however.  His scrotum started swelling after her "slammed his right leg onto his right nut" one day and it just didn't stop.  This was like watching a train accident.  It was absolutely awful but you just couldn't help but watch.  *sigh*  No sleep for Donna.

The Brisbane to L.A flight was relatively without incident.  With about 3 hours to go, I decide to beat the rush that was likely to ensue and went back to the toilet to get changed back into my full outfit.  I was careful when walking back there, not to drop my bra which was wrapped in my top.  As any woman would know, you can only truly be comfortable when taking the sheep dog off ( Sheep dog - something to "round em up and point em in the right direction) and going boobie-commando.

I get into the excruciatingly tiny loo and lock the door with the slide across latch (which automatically turns on the light) before seeing the error of my ways.  Whilst it was one thing to disrobe in the little loo, it would be another thing to get dressed.  I could barely turn around in this thing but figure if I turn around and sit on the toilet I will be able to change my pants.  Several groans later, I am sitting on the toilet and have my tracky dacks off and my good pants on.  I felt very satisfied at having accomplished this however was worried about what the people outside would be thinking.  There was several groans and multiple bangs on the toilet door.  Given that the toilet was right outside the galley which was bustling with flight attendants, I was concerned that they might think that someone in the toilet was trying to gain membership to the "Mile High" club.  Of course, the only people that could achieve that would be a dwarf with a dildo, however who knows what would be going through the crews mind.

With this thought I decide to try to turn back around in order to put my bra and top on.  I figure if I am facing away from the door, there would be less noise if I smack my limbs or my head on the wall behind the toilet rather than the door.  No matter which way I was facing I would have at least one elbow in the sink. (As a side note...it is remarkably relaxing taking a pee whilst having an elbow in the sink.  I cannot explain this....nor do I think you would want me to).   Ok....so back to the door.....face towards the toilet....knees absolutely jammed against the toilet bowl.  I carefully put my bra on in the way that I think most woman would (turn it upside down so that you can do up the clips and then rotate it around so that you can put your arms through the straps) and I managed to get the first stage completed without incident.  I rotated it around and went to put my right are through the strap however was met with some resistance.  I look to my right and could see in the mirror (which was so close my breath kept fogging it up!) that my strap was caught on the round knob situated on the latch that does up the toilet door.   I moved side to side trying to release it however this just managed to anchor me more firmly. Hmmmph.  I try to reach behind me with my right had however the toilet is so damned small I cannot manoeuvre it up.  I try with my left arm/hand however given that I have left my contortionist skills at home, I failed at this also.  As I was trying to do everything whilst watching in the mirror, I was trying to do everything in reverse which just seemed to add to my woes.

I tried leaning forward over the toilet bowl however this just rattled the door violently and had me bang my head on the wall behind the toilet.  This was absolutely ridiculous!  I hoped that this wasn't setting the scene for  every one of my toilet stops AGAIN once I entered the United States.  I figured that the only way that I was going to dislodge myself from the door was going to be from me giving one fairly violent pull which I was now prepared to take despite what the flight attendants outside would think.   With one sideways pull and a half twist with a degree of difficulty that would have earned a perfect score at the Olympics I reefed myself clear of the door doing a face plant into the wall behind the toilet, and found myself plunged into darkness.  WTF???!!!!!!!!!!!  It didn't take very long to realise that by pulling my bra off the latch, it had slid it across therefore unlatching the door and turning off the automatic lights, and I felt a slight breeze on my back from the flight attendants walking back and forth behind me.  Yes people....I had my bra half on, with my face pressed against the toilet wall with the toilet door now ajar.  FFS!  FML!

I quickly relocked the door and dressed as best as I could before returning to my seat with a potential black eye and my embarrassment clearly on show.  The damned toilets are out to kill me again!

I could continue with my horror stories on the way to New York however my blog will be longer than "War and Peace".  I wont go into the details of a panic stricken passenger beside me (although if I might just point out that several hours of him rocking back and forth made it VERY hard to take any photos....however I was compassionate enough to not tell him to "SIT F**KING STILL" when he was having an absolute cow upon landing) or a couples on board barney that saw a bloody mary go flying (and no....its wasn't me and the Bear) on the L.A to New York sector.  I will just say that we eventually got to New York sporting large headaches (and in my case....a number of bruises) and were tired beyond anything that we felt before.

New York from the air was a brilliant white from the snow that had fallen. We have only just made it in.  Services in and out of the airports and trains have been cancelled due to the snow storm that is currently happening.   I sit here now at 3am local time watching the snow continue to fall.  I think it may be heavy enough to interfere with our day however our view from the 58th floor will compensate for that.  I am thinking a quiet day trying to recover from our marathon flights over here will do us the world of good!