Our days are now numbered in the USA and this time next week we will be at home. It seems so strange. The time has gone by so quick but it seems like months since we left. We are both ready to come home I think. We have had enough of living out of a suitcase and just want our own bed. We have decided that we are going to head back to the West Coast so that we can spend our last couple of days shopping and so that we can avoid any chance of being snowed in.
With today’s blog, I might just put some dot points of things that come to my head about our trip or America in general. It might not make any sense what so ever, but I feel like doing it that way. This will be in no particular order.
• American coffee tastes like paint stripper laced with mud. Get with the program people! This is critical!
• Non-dairy creamer should be illegal. It tastes like liquid paper laced with squashed worms. Or....what I imagine liquid paper and squashed worms to taste like.
• Cheese should be a welcoming shade of yellow – not the colour of a bad fake tan.
• Skinny jeans or long bike pants, boots, and cropped jackets are the go in the USA at present. Everyone that wants to be noticed is wearing these.
• Large bike pants, long t-shirt and joggers are poor substitutes in relation to the above dress code and the wearer is more likely to be noticed for the wrong reasons.
• If the above mentioned fat clothes do not get one noticed...and you really want to get noticed.....try making a dick of yourself in public although that is not guaranteed to work in America.
• Buffalo wings, burgers, quesadillas, orange cheese and pretzels are the American staples. If you are going to the USA make sure you book in an angioplasty for when you return.
• Never...and I mean never.....take a ride in a New York taxi. Walk, crawl, swim, fake a heart attack and get an ambulance.....anything other than taking the taxi.
• Hershey chocolate bars are actually quite disgusting!
• Thanksgiving is just another reason for a piss up! I do like the idea in principal though.
• Never try to remove your underwear whilst keeping your trousers on whilst sitting on an automatically flushing loo.
• Never pick up anything off the toilet floor whilst sitting on an automatically flushing loo.
• Make sure you know you are on an automatically flushing loo before you bend around to try to flush it.
• Make sure you are on an automatically flushing loo before doing your business and just walking away and thinking that the loo will take care of it.
• I love grits. It might resemble and taste like baby food but hey...I dig it!
• Wal-Mart totally rocks!
• S’mores are only available in summer here. WTF??
• Cars don’t necessarily need a bonnet, bumper bar, or even a steering wheel in this country. As long as you have a horn you are king of the road apparently!
• Honk your horn long and loud. You don’t need a reason...just do it!
• Under no circumstances use an indicator. To let another driver know which direction you want to go in just doesn’t bare thinking about.
• Fish tacos. What the???
• No...I am not British. Say it again and I will smack you over the head with a Murray River Cod.
• No...we do not want to open a window on the 45th floor of a building to get fresh air just because you choose to turn off the air-conditioning for the whole of the cold season. Bungee jumping into a river of rattlesnakes might sound like a good idea too but that does not mean I am going to go ahead and do it!
• Who the hell turns off the air-conditioning for the duration of the winter months??
• Who the hell makes a building where you can open the window (without any safety barrier) on the 45th floor?
• Who...are you. Who, who...who, who.
• Palm trees CAN look like angry men!
• Gene Simmons seriously has a sexy......front gate.
• Cosmetics are a third of the price here. A good reason to buy it even if you do not wear it.
• Finally fat racks that attempt to make the larger lady look good. We still might look like Aardvarks in drag....but hey at least you try.
• What the hell is that smell????
• Put up the price of cigarettes Mr President. It’s no wonder that 9 out of 10 people smoke!
• As a matter of fact, stop people smoking in public places too!
• While I am thinking about it please introduce meat pies and sausage rolls to America!
• Also Mr President could you please state that you would like Charlie Sheen back on Two and a Half Men? Your word might just carry some weight.
• Walgreens, Wal-Mart and Sonic should all open up in Australia.
• What is it with the taxes here? Just add a GST so we know what we are paying upfront.
• No you don’t deserve a tip but I will give you one so that you don’t spit in my drink.
• Why do donkeys need less water than horses? Are they part camel?
• The ice-cream here is pretty damned good!
• What time is it at home?
