Well there are really no words to describe today. I can try to....but I really think it would be a hopeless effort.
We received a wakeup call at 3.30 am at our hotel in Memphis. We had to leave for the airport at 4 am as we had to check in by 4.30. Having only had about 2 minutes sleep (thanks to the midnight train, the 12.05am, 12.10am, 12.15am etc....and especially the 1am train - which blew its horn so loudly and without warning TWICE that my arse nearly ended up over my ears) I was fairly eager just to get to New York so that I could sleep.
On the drive to the airport the freeways were still busy....no doubt due to it being Thanksgiving. Fortunately it was a relatively easy run, and we made it to the Hertz office before catching the subsequent shuttle to the airport in good time. We were having another two step journey – the first to Atlanta....and the second to New York.
Whilst we were bleary eyed, the officers at security were bright eyed and bushy tailed (which was absolutely disgusting) and greeted us with a smile. Remembering our horrendous experience at Albuquerque where we nearly missed the flight and had a number of our toiletries confiscated, I was a little apprehensive (ok...I was shitting myself) but remembered we went through everything the night before. We were fine. So....shoes off, bags of liquids out, mobile etc out....through the nudey x-ray machine. However I wasn’t able to go any further because the Bear had some bloke touching him up. Just my luck....he was getting a frisk search when I had been begging for one at every opportunity. I watched with interest as the Bear was made to take off his belt, and the officer ran his fingers on the inside of his jeans. I was just about to make a joke to lighten up the situation, when another lady asked if one of the suitcases was mine. Yes it was thank you very ta! She advised that she needed to inspect it. FFS!!!!! One officer had his hands in my husband’s pants, and some lady wanted to go through my knickers! So much for early morning peace and quiet – we had ended up in an orgy! The lady went through the bag and swabbed it for drugs....and as it turns out.....we didn’t have any! No shit Sherlock! Apparently the items that we had in there to declare at Australian Customs when we get home appeared to be suss. Yeah right. Not. We just had perverted security officers.
The next couple of hours went by without incident....until we were making our decent into Atlanta Airport. Because Atlanta is the main hub throughout America there are countless flights coming in and out without a break during the day. That means that we were lined up behind several flights that were landing, and we would have had just as many behind us. Descending into Atlanta on a beautiful day without a breath of wind should have been uneventful.....but without warning we had a sudden drop of one wing followed by the other (sort of in a rolling manner) as well as the feeling of dropping. The plane seemed to be completely unbalanced which is something I had never experienced before. This was not turbulence. As I shit pink pigs....I looked at the Bear and asked if this was normal? Of course I expected him to lie just to pacify me. He paused (never a good sign) before saying that it was not "abnormal"....and he thought it was caused by “wake turbulence” caused by the plane in front. In any case we landed safely and we disembarked in order to catch the next flight.
You might remember that I said that Atlanta Airport is absolutely HUGE. Just massive....and you need to take an underground train to get to other terminals if required. This was again required by us so we caught the train in order to get across to terminal number 1543 (by the way, did you know that 120% of Americans exaggerate?) and the next flight. I took this opportunity to visit the ladies room – where I heard an African/American woman in one stall trying to encourage her little girl to do a “pee-pee” in the next. I wasn't used to hearing such loud encouragement and I hoped that the little girl managed to achieve this. I nearly broke out into applause when she did. I watched as the lady came out of her cubicle with the back of her cardigan stuffed down the back of her tracksuit pants. I saw her husband look at it, roll his eyes and then fail to inform the woman about it...so I followed suit.
Catching the next flight to New York was a little more interesting. The flight deck was bustling with the sound of feminine chatter. Yes....Lyndon and Adam were going to be our stewards today - they had stepped straight out of the “Fast Forward” set (the gay flight attendants – not that there’s anything wrong with that) and were ready to take on the world. A man approached Lyndon and asked where he could put his carry-on luggage as the overheads were full. Lyndon squealed excitedly and said (prancing around like a fairy) “Ooooooowweeeeh! Let me find a little space for you!”. A little space. Yes I am sure he could. Adam (who was poorly dressed but clearly tried to tidy himself up for Lyndon) winked with a smile. Good grief.
The flight was relatively without incident – the exception being when the woman across the aisle could not negotiate her boot heels (therefore resembling a beaver with vertigo), and took a tumble into her husband’s Bloody Mary in a less than graceful manner. Lyndon was onto it straight away.....and came running with butt cheeks tight with a tin of soda water and a large pile of napkins. The Bear also copped some of the Bloody Mary however Lyndon only had eyes for the beaver’s husband.
Descending into LaGuardia the Bear and I were overwhelmed with what we saw. The sheer size of New York City and especially the Manhattan Skyline was beyond belief. Lady Liberty sat in the middle of the Hudson River in solitude. I have no idea why I thought she might have been closer to shore. The Brooklyn Bridge, The Empire State Building etc – places that I had only ever dreamed about ever seeing lay right before my eyes. Just amazing. Just insane. We landed safely, retrieved our bags and set outside to catch a taxi. I thought it would be cooler outside however I had sweat running down my back and the beginnings of a headache. I was very relieved that we would soon be at our hotel. My God – how little did I know.....?
Our cab driver was an aging Asian and less than talkative. The cab had panels of perspex between us and the driver and it was very hard to communicate with him. I set our video recorder to record as I wanted to tape our first moments in the “Big Apple”. Bloody hell and suck me sideways – what a freaking nightmare. The Asian dropped his foot on the accelerator and we were thrown back into our seats. I had no idea that it was possible to hit 100 kph in 10 seconds with only 20 metres of room. The Asian was off and running going absolutely flat out on the Long Island Express Way. And I mean FLAT OUT. The road was actually worse than the goat track that we call the Warrego Highway so every bump in the road was felt through every one of our vertebra when our hips hit our ears. This cab had no suspension, apparently no indicators, and obviously no damned brakes! I think it might have been around the same time that my spleen was ruptured when I looked at the Bear and he appeared to have his head lowered in prayer. Yep....we were going to die today.
I turned the video recorder around to leave a message for my Mum, when we hit another canyon in the road. I smacked myself in the scone with it and immediately wondered what my description would be when claiming the damage through our insurance. My right boob was flung over my left shoulder and I am sure I chipped a tooth on the door handle. I let out an appropriate expletive and then realised that my Mother would no longer be able to view this message. I took this opportunity to let my hair down and let loose with an absolute gutter roll of the worst possible language...and thanked the universe for me having the common sense to update my will before I left Australia. I again looked across at the Bear who apparently was finding the time to invent a new yoga pose....although as it turns out he just landed with his left foot in his mouth after hitting the last bump. Little did I know there was worse to come. You know, for an intelligent person I can sometimes be so damned stupid. Manhattan is an island – which means to get there we had to go over the water, or under it. It was becoming increasingly obvious that we were going to have to go under it – and with my fear of tunnels....I dead set lost my shit.
Fortunately in the tunnel the cab driver was unable to change lanes as there was a divider in between the lanes. Instead he tail gated the person in front and drove in a “roo-like” fashion....jerking.....jerking. Once out the other side he resumed his driving-like-a-blind-man-backwards and we again were treated to the ride from hell – except we were now being enveloped by the extraordinarily high buildings. This seemed to make it all the more scary if that were possible. Lucky for us the Thanksgiving Day Parades caused a lot of the streets to be closed off and we entered the world’s worst traffic jam. 6 000 000 little yellow taxis were trying to bully their way into the few lanes that were open and the sounds of horns became deafening. It was grid lock in a way that I never thought possible and I was convinced we were on the set of a movie. The cab driver tried to make a right hand turn up one of the streets that had been blocked off however was stopped by a NYPD Officer. The cab driver was told he needed to drive straight ahead. He didn’t take to this kindly and tried to take the officer on. I momentarily forgot my now very broken bones and brain damage, and looked forward to appearing on an episode of COPS. I realised I hadn’t checked the Bears pulse for a few kilometres – the fright of this ride would have been enough to cause a heart attack – however he was ok. He was a colour that had yet to be named, but he was ok. I checked my own pulse just in case I had actually died and had landed in Hades...but alas I was very much alive. The cab driver planted his foot again to show his lack of appreciation to the police officers. How he didn’t end up with the cab in the back seat of the vehicle in front is completely beyond me because I am sure I could smell its drivers breath. I also had pictures of the three of us sitting in a jail cell "Seinfeld" style.
The very irate cab driver called back and said “Why you want to come to dis cwaaaazy city? No-one comes to dis cwaaaazy city on fanks giving!”. The Bear politely told him that we do not celebrate this holiday in Australia so we are not to know. The cab driver said “you got too much damned suitcases! If you don’t have dat you can walk!”. The Bear again politely advised that we had just flown in (which I would have thought was apparent given that we had been picked up from the airport. The cab driver seemed to forget this) and that’s what you get when you do that. With that....the cab driver rifles around in a plastic bag that he had on his seat, and takes out a banana. As if my tummy wasn’t wrapped around my backbone as it was, the taxi was suddenly filled with the smell of banana. I was still taping at this stage, but had to turn the recorder off as I covered my face with my jumper to stifle the dry retching.
At every opportunity this dude slammed his foot down, and threw the cab around. He broke every rule in the book when it came to his driving, including not giving way to a pedestrian on a crossing. Having missed her by a coat of paint, she stopped and stuck her head near the window and completely lost it at him (and I certainly don’t blame her). His response? “FOK YOU!!” before slamming his foot back down forcing my nose through the back of my head. I looked across that the Bear who was now grinning....or perhaps he had just suffered a stroke. I was preparing to make a deal with the driver, with the intent of offering a decent tip if we got to the hotel alive, when he just started muttering “FOK! FOK! FOK!”. I shut up and started crying for my Mummy.
I could go on and on. This cab ride lasted forever, cost a fortune, damaged my kidneys not to mention a whole lot more, but we eventually made it to the hotel alive. I is absolutely beyond me how. I am left wondering how we will get to places in New York whilst refusing to ever take a taxi again!
