2014 - Day 1 - Third USA Trip - Oh no....not the toilets again! (Please do not read if offended by slightly vulgar tones)

Today is the day!  Back to the USA!  I am terribly excited…and apprehensive.  I won’t lie and say that international events such as terrorism and Ebola have not been on my mind, but that is not my biggest worry.  It’s Nic.    We are going to be spending a week in LA with him to show him the ropes, after which he will set off on is own tour of the West Coast, whilst we head to Vegas for a few days before our cruise. Once on the cruise, there will be a communication black out for obvious reasons.  Not only will we be without signal for days at a time, our American SIM cards will not work in Central and South America so will not even be able to do Facebook messages via my phone.  We are told that the internet on board is ridiculously expensive although I am sure that no price can be placed on peace of mind.  With Nic' s ability to find himself in the most awkward of situations, and due to the fact that he can be a complete knob head, I dread to think what mischief he can get up to in the USA when I am out of reach.  I mean….what if he is arrested for taking a leak in the Grand Canyon?!!
 

Alyx kindly takes us out to the airport and I feel guilty that we are going and she is not.  Of course we met her in LA earlier this year, but I still feel guilty.  :-(  Nic is clearly very nervous and is still wondering what he will do should he be sat next to a person wearing a turban or burka. 
 

Our day doesn’t start particularly well.  We headed towards the counter where we were to check in and took our place in a very lengthy line.  It was ridiculously hot and uncomfortable but we waited patiently, moving along the lengthy line as it progressed slowly.  I may or may not have allowed a couple of “baa’s” and “moo’s”  to escape from my lips all the while Nic continued with his random yet interesting questions.  Finally we get to the top of the line, and with sweat absolutely pouring off of us (ok Ma….perspiration) and we eagerly looked to see which staff member would call us through.  All of a sudden, a man appears from the left and asks us and several people behind us, to move to another counter which was opening up.  Confused, we followed him and were forced to line up again waiting for a lady to open her work station.  In the meantime, the line which we had just been moved from, continued to flow, and people that were several behind us in that line, were then promoted to the top of the queue. They were served whilst we watched with frustration from our new line which had failed to progress.  We have no idea what the staff member was thinking in taking people from the head of the check-in queue (where we had waited for a significant amount of time) and moving us to another line where we had to wait for staff to open their work stations.  Ridiculous.

Once we were checked in, and through customs (where Nic was tested for drugs...which he thought was very cool!)…..we went to look for a bite to eat and a coffee.  Nic was all eyes and set off saying he wanted to look for a newsagent to buy a magazine.  He came back concerned about the size of the 747 that we would be boarding on.  He apparently did not realise that there was more than a little difference between a 737 and a 747 and he went on to say (and I quote) “ F**k me!  It’s like a plane has another one on top of it”.  This only added to his concerns about the pilots ability to ensure that the plane stayed in the air for 13 or so hours.   His anxiety was becoming quite obvious yet despite this, his questions still kept coming…as did his commenting (loudly much to the dismay of some passengers) on his wish for our plane to not simply drop out of the sky. 
 

Once on board I settled back and decided to have a look at the entertainment menu so that I could form a game plan in an effort to help the hours pass by a little more quickly.  I figured I could get several movies in as well as a number of TV show episodes.   I might get square eyes however if it helped getting the time to pass a little more quickly then it would be worth it.  Just as a backup however, I decided to down a glass of wine in order to help me sleep for a little while.  As most of you know, I do not drink alcohol given the medication I am on so am not used to its side effects anymore.  Well…..this is where the fun (not!) began.  Seriously, I vowed not to have any issues with toilets on this trip! 
 

*Note:  the next paragraph may contain descriptions that some might offensive, if so please do not read further.
 

Having had a glass of wine, I was just chillin’ out when I felt my eyelids starting to droop.  I was tempted to succumb to the sandman however I needed to have a pee.  Given the issues that I have in my pelvis (I will put more details below) I have to empty my bladder quickly should the need arise.  So off I trot towards the nearest bathroom facilities.  As I approached the toilets, a drunken American dude stood swaying in the aisle, clutching a tinnie and obviously looking for someone to talk to.  As I needed to be able to pass him, I returned his hello.  Apparently this gave him the idea that I wanted to stop for a good old chin wag which clearly was not my intention.  I stopped for a little light banter as I said because I needed to be able to pass him.
 

After what seemed like forever, and the fact that my crossed legs now resembled some sort of macramé, I excused myself and made a frantic dash to the W.C.  My face fell when I got inside and saw how ridiculously small this closet....I mean bathroom was..…and please allow me to tell you why.  (Again please do not read ahead if you are offended by the images I create, or personal details about health issues)  I currently have a prolapsed bladder and a severely prolapsed bowel amongst other health issues down there.  I will be having surgery in January to correct these.   The side effects that are generated from these,  vary from person to person and can be very frustrating; on occasion very painful; and not to mention embarrassing.  For the purpose of this story, I will only need to mention one of these side effects -  I cannot pee normally.  The closest I can get to doing this “normally” is if whilst sitting on the loo, I bend forward and touch my toes.  For information’s sake, this apparently manages to somehow move things (or lift them up) therefore unblocking an obstruction which in turn allows me to wee.  Seriously, this has become a major inconvenience!
 

Entering the bathroom, it became glaringly obvious that I was not going to be able to sit on the loo and lean down and touch my toes. In fact I am sure that Qantas has reduced the size of their  on board facilities by half since I flew last. I was left with 2 options.  Sit it out and wait until we land in Los Angeles, or, simply find a way to pee.  As option 1 was really not an option, I had to go with option number 2.  I would need to find a way to pee.  My one glass of wine apparently gave me the false impression that this could be achieved!
 

First I thought I would do the sensible thing first and sit on the loo….just to see if I could bend over far enough. Nope…not a hope in hell.  I then thought bending down even just slightly might help.  Nope.  I tried several different things including trying to put my leg up on the impossibly small vanity basin.  Nope.  Why did I even bother trying with putting one leg on the vanity or think that it just might help? Bloody hell I don’t know. Probably because I could.  Oh…and because I had one stupid glass of wine.  After much banging of the walls and door; and after too many “ouches” and moans I was fairly sure that other passengers would have thought that I was trying for an entry into the “Mile High Club”.  I had to smarten up and get serious about this!  I was literally only a couple of seconds from peeing my pants! 

Miraculously the answer came to me! Without thinking this carefully through, I placed one leg down beside the toilet bowl where I could, and the other leg on the other side and while standing leaned down to place my hands on the floor.  I sort of looked as though I was trying to do Sesame Streets version of the letter “A” . As I couldn’t sit on the toilet whilst doing this, I prayed that my tinkle would land in the toilet and not elsewhere.  I also prayed that there were no hidden cameras in the toilet as I would have been winking from every direction.  The flow began so whilst this was extreme it was still successful, and my eyes actually welled up with tears with the relief it gave.   Well that was until we struck a bit of turbulence.  As it was I was struggling to maintain my A-frame position whilst keeping my head upside down.  My tipsy legs were buckling under the strain.  The turbulence bounced the plane around which in turn was my undoing.  I face planted the door and the floor, with my elbows splaying out in odd angles beneath me. The rest of me was sort of concertinaed at a seriously odd angle.
 

After checking that I had not broken any bones or teeth I managed to get my legs down and around and sat Budda like for a couple of seconds, just reflecting on my own stupidity.   I decided that I could probably go through the rest of this life and all of the next one without doing that again!   And as I cleaned up the obvious mess around me, I made a promise to myself (and to every other poor person who this affects) that there would be no more toilet mishaps or consumption of alcohol during this trip!  And no more self inflicted accidents. That is achievable right?