So we made the decision to head back over to the West Coast. New York has been simply amazing. It is intimidating, it is colossal, and it is overwhelming. But beyond anything it is simply amazing. We wish we had more time over here however there are a few things that we still wish to do so have headed back to L.A a little early.
Our hotel in New York was right in Times Square on Broadway. George Benson absolutely heard correctly when he sang “They say the neon lights are bright on Broadway”. The lights in Time Square and on Broadway are brilliant enough to even feel the heat off of them. They are truly beyond description and they seem to go on forever....everywhere you look. This is a city that you do not go to if you don’t like people in your personal space. Going through the square I walked with my face in someone’s armpit at all times (the disadvantage of being short) and with a thousand cigarettes in my face. People are everywhere and there is no escaping them. People smoke in New York because they are so damned cheap (less that $5 a packet). They smoke absolutely everywhere because they do not have the laws that we do. The cigarette smoke chokes you.
During our stay we went to Madam Tussauds Wax Museum which was simply amazing; we visited the Discovery Centre’s “Spy Exhibit” (most of which I couldn’t see because it was so dark); we went to the top of the Empire State Building which was absolutely amazing....and freezing like I have never felt before. We ventured into the underground and rode the subways, which were surprisingly cleaner than I had expected. We only really experienced one “nutter” on the subway – he was a beggar which we have become accustomed to seeing, but he was louder than most and we had no way of walking away. We ate at a genuine “Pizzeria” that also sold food from a buffet type thing which was charged by the weight of what you put on your plate. We went to Central Park which is breathtakingly beautiful. I can see how the park would change personalities through the seasons. We were so fortunate enough to see it in autumn when the leaves had turned. The colours were absolutely amazing, and having the opportunity to play with the fallen leaves was awesome. From the top of the Empire State Building, Central Park looked like a large, brown, rectangular piece of land. To be there on the ground it was spectacular. We saw a couple of squirrels, one of which found a nut and was happy to eat it almost within our grasp. Stunning horses with carriages are a popular way of travelling within the park – however we were happy to walk. It was weird to walk amid the park and seeing several spots which feature prominently in TV shows and movies. I could almost pretend that I was filming an episode of “Criminal Intent”. As I type this I am watching “Mr Poppers Penguins” and low and behold there it is again. The very bridge on which we stood and the very ice-skating rink that I photographed. It was bitterly cold but that added to its charm.
The decision to head back to Los Angeles was one that we did not make lightly. Our 4 weeks here have been too short to see everything but I can guarantee we will be back. Should we ever go back to New York it will be only after we have figured out how to get around without having to use New York taxis. One can hire a car but would have to have their head read to drive in that city. It is just insane. Just insane. More insane however is the decision to take a New York taxi anywhere. Following our near death experience with the aging, Asian taxi driver when we arrived, I was extremely hesitant to recruit another to take us back to the airport. In fact, I was seriously tempted to walk rather than risk a fate worse than death...no matter how cold it was or how far away we needed to be. I was only beginning to have feeling back in my limbs following the initial horrendous journey. We could have had a driver from a private company take us....however that was $150 and that is just ridiculous. So....here we went again!
The taxi driver was one of the 911 terrorists. He was middle eastern man possibly in his 30s and barely spoke a word of English. All was fairly silent as the Bear and the Concierge loaded our luggage into the back of the taxi. I didn’t get the movie camera out again as I was seriously concerned that it would get damaged like it nearly did when we came in from the airport. There is fairly much an unwritten rule – you can break or take anything of mine.....except our mobile phones or my camera.
I slid into the back seat of the taxi and immediately noticed that the driver was completely encased by the perspex. Sort of like a little room. The second thing I noticed was the hand loops (you know the type that is in buses...so that you have something to hold onto if required when you are standing up) fixed to near both of the rear windows. This clearly was not a good sign. Either that or the taxi driver doubled as a gynaecologist (they looked like stirrups) which was not a good sign either. The third thing I noticed was the graffiti sprayed behind the drivers sear. As I looked around I could see that the taxi was absolutely filthy, as was the driver. His hair was a mess, his clothes crushed an awful and he seriously gave the impression that he did not give a shit. I leaned down to get my traveller’s diary so that I could take notes. I had the feeling that this was going to be another one hell of a ride.
When we were on our way I thought I actually must have dozed off. However as it turned out, that was just me seeing the back of my eyeballs as he took off. I tried to get my bearings however my rotten seatbelt locked and I could not move. Sure as shit I wasn’t undoing my seatbelt just to release that hold. I was only just able to lean forward enough to touch the hand rail on my side of the car however this strangled me and actually hurt. I was unable to see the driver as the perspex that he was surrounded in had some sort of distortion (possibly a safety feature) so sent my eyes nuts when I went to look out the front windscreen. Given some of the locals that I have seen, I would not wish to hazard a guess as to what type of bodily fluids could make up the smears on the perspex. Still as we roared back down the Long Island Expressway I felt that it was a blessing that I was strapped into the taxi like an astronaut on the Apollo. This blokes driving was atrocious.
In times of terror it is strange what you remember. I had my diary clutched in my hands and I was writing down key words as I thought of them. Again this cab had no suspension, no indicators and no damned brakes! His taxi only had one speed and that was FLAT OUT!! He was reckless, he was irresponsible, and he was a danger to society. I lost count as to how many times I swore (without hesitation and had no issue about how loud it was) every time we hit a bump on the goat track which allowed our knees to knock out our teeth. We sped towards the J.F.K Airport (further than LaGuardia) at 130 kilometres per hour zig zagging in and out of traffic (mostly illegal manoeuvres). His speed was such that if he touched the brakes they seemed to become distorted and clearly had an issue. They either failed to stop us, or did so slowly with a “whomp....whomp” sound. I suspect this is because Osama-Bin-Taxi-Driver is a late braker (I am not convinced that braker is a word) and has to absolutely slam both feet on the brakes. This will subsequently throw a passenger through the front windscreen; put the driver’s foot through the floor, and send the engine back into the front seat.
It is interesting what you can see when you are strapped into a New York Taxi absolutely fearing for your life. I was totally convinced that I had the answer to the age old question....”Can you tell me how to get, how to get to Sesame Street”. I was there. I fully expected Big Bird to come walking by any second. I saw a line of ducks doing the “Charleston” across the road and it was then that it occurred to me that it would be in my best interest to remove my head from the roof of the taxi. I was hallucinating. It was also about this time that my aching head thought it heard “BOING! BOING! BOING!”. Now at this point it would not have surprised me if Bugs Bunny was coming along. No. It was Osama-Bin-Taxi-Driver’s ring tone on his mobile phone and I watched in horror as he answered it. The Bear also noticed that this dude was not wearing a seat belt! Osama then conducted a full length conversation in his native tongue and managed to play kamikaze driver now with only one hand on the wheel and sitting sideways in his seat. My head was in an absolute mess as I wondered if a suicide bomber would wear a seat belt in order to save his life....when he was just about to take his own. If he was going to do himself in, he may not wish to wear a seatbelt in his finals hours and minutes. He may have wished to feel liberated and break down the legal barriers just once before his demise. Ok....so we ARE going to die today. Congratulations if you followed my train of thought there.
Osama had to throw out the anchors waaaay too many times when he wanted to ram the cars in front. There is nothing quite like feeling as though you tied up in a runaway train only to have the bungee cord pulled ridiculously tight without warning. I suddenly felt huge compassion for those cats that can’t be swung in a small room. I picture that they would flail helplessly whilst their little heads banged against a wall. (I am so sorry. I am a HUGE animal lover so have no idea why I would come up with this description. I can’t think of anything else) It was like he was playing Russian roulette daring the brakes to fail each time he stomped on them. He appeared to get the dead set shits when the brakes actually pulled us up!
For some bizarre reason Osama then put down the passenger side window a small way. Why he did this I am not too sure, but am certain it would have had to do with his suicide attempt. Through the window came an icy blast in a steady stream.....smack bang onto my face. Again I could not do anything about it given that I was being strangled by my seatbelt. Given that I had no idea how far we were from the airport, I started taking bets with myself - would I die in a car accident at the hand of a suicidal terrorist? Or would I freeze to death first. It was 4 degrees outside but felt so much colder. Without warning the single most offensive smell that I have experienced came wafting through the window. I looked at the Bear with a questioning look on my face (which also displayed fear and the need to vomit) and he said that the smell was coming from Jamaica Bay. I wondered what the hell Jamaica Bay contained, and for some bizarre reason I pictured rotten custard. Heaven help me. I willed myself to try to dream up dwarves and unicorns in a bid to try to forget the smell however I could not. It was at this point that I decided that our New York taxi ride from the other day was a breeze compared to this one. And THAT was saying something.
By the time we got to the airport I was suffering a migraine, a ridiculously sore back, and my frozen nose had snapped off when I tried to cover my face due to the smell. I have absolutely no idea how my legs carried me through however once we got to the airplane, we heard the first Australian accents since arriving in the country, and that made me feel a whole lot better. I still threw up on the plane, but at least it was an Aussie Flight Attendant who pushed me into the toilet.
Getting to Los Angeles after a six and a half hour flight was welcomed. We collected another rental car which meant NO MORE TAXI RIDES!!!!
