Day 30 - Home James and Dont Spare the Horses!

Our last day in Los Angeles….our last day in the U.S.A. Tonight we make the long journey home. I cannot believe that this holiday is all but over. Our flight back home tonight leaves just shy of midnight however we will need to be at LAX 3 hours prior. This makes for a VERY long day especially given that we have to check out from our hotel at lunchtime.

The Bear has asked if we can have a late checkout and we are allowed to stay until 3pm. Well at least that is something.

We decide that we will go to Paramount Studios this morning to take the tour there. The Warner Brothers Tours have been magnificent and we hoped that Paramount would be just as good. Paramount Studios are the movie studios which were once owned by Lucille Ball and Desi Arnez and during that time Lucille all but lived there. The back lot is filled with her touches including duplicates of her own back yard and of the street behind her home, so that she could fool people into believing she was at home with her children when she was in fact working. She always tried to portray a “perfect mother” image to the media. Photos would show she was at home, when in fact she had her children at work with her.

There is an awful lot of history on this back lot. Favourite TV shows such as “Frasier” and "Cheers" were filmed there; favourite movies such as that of Jerry Lewis were filmed there; epic scenes such as when Moses parted the waters in whatever movie that was, were filmed there. The lot is said to be haunted by the little blonde girl who died shortly after appearing in the movie “Poltergeist” and the back lot also have the evidence of alcohol fuelled actors who romped naked after dark thanks to a dare. And most impressively the studio lies in the shadow of the “Hollywood” sign which watches over it like a proud guardian. The Bear was stoked to sit on the very same bench that Forest Gump did and we were amazed to see where scenes were filmed for The Brady Bunch, Happy Days and so much more.

After we left Paramount Studios we grabbed a spot of lunch and went back to the hotel to repack our suitcases. We were going home with a stack more than we went over with – actually more suitcases than we went over with – and had to make sure that the weights were well within the limits allowed by QANTAS. This was no easy feat however was eventually achieved thanks to the skilful packing of yours truly. They weighed a tonne….but it was a legal tonne.

We got showered and dressed and left the hotel at 3pm. We wondered what we were going to do for a few hours – well actually more than a few hours - until we needed to be at the airport. All of a sudden, we were very small people in a very large city, dressed to the nines, with nowhere to go. We had a shit load of luggage which we couldn’t offload to anyone, anywhere and were completely at a loss. We decided to drive very slowly (and not through any red or YELLOW lights) to see where we might want to have dinner. We took a leisurely drive down to Santa Monica to see if there was anything we felt like. We decided to eat at “Bubba Gumps” which is on the Santa Monica Pier….as we had eaten at one of their restaurants during our first week in L.A and loved it. As we walked up the stairs to the pier we were amazed to see some drizzle starting. We have experienced very little rain during our time in America and it sort of reflected my tears at leaving.

We had a lovely dinner at “Bubba Gumps” and watched the rain come down over the beach and the pier. We watched the mutant sea gulls (they are freaking huge over here) swarm and annoy the occasional lonely beach goer that wandered past.

We finished dinner around 5.30pm. More than 6 hours before our flight. *insert bothered face here* We had several hours before we even needed to check in, and the only thing we really had to do was return the hire car. It was way too early however I suggested that we head to the airport anyway as I was sure there would be something to occupy us there – maybe some stores where we could do some last minute souvenir shopping. The Bear didn’t think this was the case however I couldn’t see how there couldn't be. We filled the hire car up with gas and headed to Hertz for the last time. When we got there it was still raining and it was very dark. As per usual the attendants there were lovely and welcomed us back any time. We hopped on the shuttle bus with our truck load of luggage and made our final journey to the airport. The Bear and I sat up the back of the bus on a bench seat. Our luggage was stored under a shelf in the centre of the bus. I was amusing myself with the fact that every time we turned a corner I would slide to the other end of the seat. On one of these trips around the corner, I watched with amusement as one of our suitcases gently rolled out from under its shelf and sat smack in the middle of the aisle.


The Bear: Is that one of ours?


Me: *raised eyebrow*


The Bear: Hmm. Well that’s no good.


Me: *silence*


The Bear: I had better do something about that.


Three short sentences. Nothing out of the ordinary. But I thought that was the funniest thing I had ever heard. You don't think so? I guess you had to be there. Whilst the Bear went down to save the suitcase, I completely erupted into the largest fit of giggles that I have ever had. Two ladies that sat next to me, frowned as I snorted and had tears running down my face. This wasn’t helped by the Bear, having already saved the suitcase and placed it back under the shelf, having to poke out a finger every time we turned another corner to stop another suitcase from rolling (as he stood in the middle of the bus leaning on the shelf). It was like one of those cartoons where a person sticks his finger in a wall to prevent a water leak…..and ends up having to put all fingers and all toes into those holes. I had completely lost the plot…but didn’t really care. We were going home. 

We got to LAX with nearly 6 hours to spare *rolls eyes* but fortunately we were able to check in straight away. This meant we could at least off load our bags. We were served by an extremely gay (and I don’t mean happy) British Airways come Qantas staff member who failed to see the humour in Australians. Once we had checked in we had no choice other than to go through security and immigration. And I mean we had no choice. Some Oprah look alike gestured madly to us and almost forced us up an elevator. We found that the staff at immigration and security had even less of a personality that the staff at check in. We had to go through the nudey xray machine again which was always good for a laugh – not. The Bear had sweat teaming off him, and I started to wonder if he in fact had hid a llama in his suitcase. But no….he was just hot. I went through the nudey machine and was told to stop once I had gone through it. I was told to turn around and lift up my arms. Finally I was going to get my frisk search! I had a lady on one side of me and a man on the other. I told them I had begged for a frisk search the whole way across America but they failed to crack a smile. It’s a good thing I didn’t actually start doing the “hokey pokey” which I had almost been tempted to do. The woman gave me a little pat down (not the hard rough slapping which I had been hoping for) and indicated that I had been stopped as it appeared as though I was storing things under my arms. I suppressed the need to both tell her it was probably my un-shaven armpits and burst into a rousing rendition of "The hairs on her dicky di-do hung down to her knees". Google that if you have never heard of it. Apparently the nudey xray had picked up a gold/silver thread that ran through my blouse and it was highlighted on the image.

Once in the departure lounge it became blatantly obvious to me that the Bear was right. There was nothing to do in the airport. I was surprised by its retro look and lack of shops. There was a book store, a newsagency, a food stand, and that was it. We had 6 hours to wait, and that was it. We decided to set up camp in the overwhelmingly hot waiting area. The chairs were uncomfortable, there was no power points to attach the laptop to, and the heat was suppressing. I managed to waste the first 5 minutes by looking in the newsagency and the second 5 minutes by looking in the book store. Approx 5 hours 40 to go. Shit.

During the next hour we sighted other Australians – the first in the time that we had been here. And I have to tell you…it was AWESOME to hear the familiar accent.....but it was also an eye opener. Apparently an International Airport is where you leave your manners and consideration of others at the door. Australians are loud, crass, crude, pushy, and overwhelmingly obnoxious…..and that is just me! Kidding! Some of these Aussies totally outdid me….and THAT is saying something. In fact…if this was the impression that Aussies gave the world, then I would completely understand if the world thought that we were complete and utter dickheads. However…..given that we already had numb bums with hours to go…and were extremely bored….I figured that if you can’t beat ‘em….join ‘em. Even if it is only on Facebook. I took out my phone and saw that it had 39% battery which was sufficient to waste a little bit of time on Facebook. The Bear got out his laptop. I checked in at the Airport….and commented that we were on our way home. The comments that followed were as follows: (And had me laughing harder than I did in the Hertz bus. Also…it makes absolutely no sense at all given that the Bears phone was suffering lag and was several minutes behind my phone)


Brian C: Never been so pleasantly conflicted in all my life... I want to stay here, we've had such a fantastic time in a wonderful country full of wonderful people. But on the other hand, we are both weary, we've had enough of living out of a suitcase, and we have a fantastic home and family to return to... What to do???
29 November 2012 at 13:20 • Like


Donna C: Third option - run home as quick as possible to the dogs and cater to their every whim! I'll do that regardless but am just putting it out there for you too, being the awesome wife that I am
29 November 2012 at 13:26 via mobile • Like • 1



Brian C : Sorry, I've given the dogs to an animal research laboratory. Schultz is testing new ADHD drugs to slow him down and Ella is providing a new power source on a treadmill... :-)
29 November 2012 at 13:32 • Edited • Like



Donna C: That's the best you could think up?
29 November 2012 at 13:35 via mobile • Like



Brian C: Yes. :-)
29 November 2012 at 13:36 • Like



Alyx S: I don’t think Schultz could get any slower lol
29 November 2012 at 13:38 • Like



Donna C: *sigh* I guess there is only room for one hysterically funny person here. I'll write your lines for you. See below.



"Yes of course that's what I'll do! I've already booked the three of you in for a massage and hair wash and blow dry but if I need to also bring in Australia's top chef to cook you all a 5 course meal, I will. Then once I have stopped farting purple piglets and take the rollers out of my armpits, I'll be making sure the only people eating Duck L'Orange is me and the cats!"
29 November 2012 at 13:48 via mobile • Like • 1



Jenny L: Travel safe!!
29 November 2012 at 13:54 via mobile • Unlike • 1



Donna C: Thankyou! (Can you tell we are bored? LOL!)
29 November 2012 at 13:55 via mobile • Like



Brian C: Quaaaaack....
29 November 2012 at 13:55 • Like



Donna C: I rest my case!
29 November 2012 at 13:56 via mobile • Like



Donna C: PS: got any grapes?
29 November 2012 at 13:56 via mobile • Like



Brian C: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MtN1YnoL46Q



The Duck Song
www.youtube.com
29 November 2012 at 13:57 • Like • Remove Preview



Jonathon O: Confirm you two are standing next to each other yet communicating via Facebook? Hmmmmm.... Anyway hope you have less stress than us getting home! Cheers
29 November 2012 at 13:59 via mobile • Like • 1



Alyx S: LOL!! You both need serious help!
29 November 2012 at 14:06 via mobile • Unlike • 1



Gloria S: Too late Donna ....as I told B he's already been infected by the 'crazy gene' and there's no turning back. He's ours, aaaaaaaallll ours. (how does one express an evil cackle on FB?)
29 November 2012 at 14:08 • Like



Brian C: Well, we are sitting next to one another and being silly on Facebook... My gorgeous wife is giggling constantly (Alyx will know what that’s all about...) and her whole body is shaking... :-) Yup, we are on and in the comfy seats, Chuck. We purposefully chose a quiet time of year to avoid the stress... :-)
29 November 2012 at 14:09 • Like



Jenny L : You know how after a few too many clicks in YouTube...and then you end up in the really weird place and wonder what has happened to humanity?? I feel like I kinda wandered there after actually reading your conversation... :-/
29 November 2012 at 14:12 • Unlike • 2



Donna C: Ahhh yes Ma - that's the crazy gene.... not the funny gene! As for the evil cackle... that would be "mwwwahhahaha"!
29 November 2012 at 14:17 via mobile • Like



Donna C: LMAO Jen!!!
29 November 2012 at 14:17 via mobile • Like



Donna C Eames!!
29 November 2012 at 14:18 via mobile • Like



Alyx S: Lots of help!
29 November 2012 at 14:20 via mobile • Like



Alyx S : Also is there any foods you would like in the car upon your return??
29 November 2012 at 14:20 via mobile • Like



Gloria S: In our family, you have to be a little crazy to understand what the rest of us are talking about, especially when one is being funny. You may be the master but B is most certainly well advanced in his apprenticeship. PS: Except when he reposts that darned Duck Song!!!!
29 November 2012 at 14:21 • Like



Brian C: Spend a few minutes in our house Jenny, and the twilight zone would appear surprisingly normal.... :-)
29 November 2012 at 14:21 via mobile • Like



Donna C: Naaahhhhh Eames - you know I would hate to have my brains unscrambled! A world that made sense would make no sense at all!
29 November 2012 at 14:21 via mobile • Like



Alyx S: A little crazy?
29 November 2012 at 14:22 via mobile • Like



Alyx S: More like bordering on psychosis
29 November 2012 at 14:22 via mobile • Like



Donna C: Yep I know Ma. I regretted it the moment I said it! That being said - I also knew that by saying it, he would no doubt post the link and subsequently have everyone else going to the looney bin with me. A method in my madness! I would be lonely there all by myself seeing all those "quacks".
29 November 2012 at 14:25 via mobile • Like



Donna C: Mental Eames. Mad as a Hatter. Madder than a cut snake. *thinks* Or was that funnier than a cut snake? Funnier than a mad snake? Sadder than a funny snake?
29 November 2012 at 14:27 via mobile • Like



Brian C: Why is everyone picking on the duck song? "Waddle, waddle, waddle..."
29 November 2012 at 14:28 via mobile • Like



Brian C: Anyhoo. Boring. I'm going to visit the little boys room.
29 November 2012 at 14:29 via mobile • Like



Gloria S: lalalalalalalala....with fingers in ears (or maybe that should be with eyes shut).
29 November 2012 at 14:29 • Like



Donna C: *raises one eyebrow*
29 November 2012 at 14:29 via mobile • Like



Alyx S: There is nothing funny about a snake Don.
29 November 2012 at 14:31 via mobile • Like



Donna C: This is true Eames. Maybe it's madder than a dead snake.
29 November 2012 at 14:32 via mobile • Like • 1



Donna C: Nothing quite like sitting in the single most BORING airport in the world (and trust me it is) listening to damned Christmas Carols! I am strongly considering launching myself off the jet way (except I don't know what a jet way is)
29 November 2012 at 14:35 via mobile • Like



Donna C: Foods Eames? Nah ya - I plan on eating the whole way home. Unless that was a typo and was meant to be fools. In that case, sure why not
29 November 2012 at 14:38 via mobile • Like



Donna C: That was meant to be - nah ta. Damned spell check on this rotten phone....
29 November 2012 at 14:40 via mobile • Like



Alyx S: Well would you like some food in there waiting for you?

Not sure what i can do about fools.. Im sure i could find one at least
29 November 2012 at 14:40 • Like



Donna C: No food thanks Eames :-)
29 November 2012 at 14:41 via mobile • Like



Alyx S: Okey Doke
29 November 2012 at 14:41 • Like



Donna C: Oh goody - Christmas carols by Willie Nelson :-S
29 November 2012 at 14:42 via mobile • Like



Donna C: Whatcha up to Eamsikens? Or should this bored Mummeh not be asking?
29 November 2012 at 14:43 via mobile • Like



Alyx S: I’m doing absolutely nothing.. Just about to finish the first season of Criminal Intent (im re-watching it all) lol
29 November 2012 at 14:44 • Like



Gloria S: Gotta love Willie. He probably thinks it's always Christmas as he rarely sems to be feeling any pain or realise what time of year it is.
29 November 2012 at 14:44 • Like



Brian C : Willie Nelson just launched into the most mournful version of Please Come Home For Christmas. I'm considering following Sari Bear off the jetway...
29 November 2012 at 14:44 via mobile • Like • 1



Brian C: Shiiiit. I'm miles behind. Damn phone.
29 November 2012 at 14:45 via mobile • Like • 1



Donna C: Ma - Gotta love Willie??? Really is this the right forum to be sharing that in??
29 November 2012 at 14:47 via mobile • Like • 1



Donna C: I crack myself up!!
29 November 2012 at 14:49 via mobile • Like • 1



Gloria S: My you ARE bored, aren't you? I had been going to say 'leave Willie alone' but given B's previous status, thought I'd better change it. You've got to admit that only Willie (Nelson) can sing Christmas Carols so mournfully.
29 November 2012 at 14:50 • Like



Brian C : Whose?
29 November 2012 at 14:51 via mobile • Like



Donna C: *falls off chair laughing*
29 November 2012 at 14:51 via mobile • Like



Gloria S: Whose what?
29 November 2012 at 14:51 • Like



Donna C: Whose what?
29 November 2012 at 14:52 via mobile • Like



Brian C: What's on second.
29 November 2012 at 14:52 via mobile • Like



Gloria S: No, what's on first.
29 November 2012 at 14:52 • Like



Brian C: This airport has people that clearly mistook it for Walmart.
29 November 2012 at 14:55 via mobile • Like



Donna C: Don't you be baggin' Wal-Mart! That's my new second favourite place to shop!
29 November 2012 at 14:56 via mobile • Like



Gloria S: LOL.......I really should get back to doing something constructive as, given Donna's blog post after first your Walmart foray, my visuals are now going into over-drive!!
29 November 2012 at 14:56 • Like



Brian C : What? This isn't constructive?
29 November 2012 at 14:57 via mobile • Like



Donna C: I am behind in my blogs. I'll have to post them when I get home.
29 November 2012 at 14:58 via mobile • Like



Donna C: You should be worried about my visuals Ma! What with you and your love of willies and all.....
29 November 2012 at 14:59 via mobile • Like



Gloria S: Be kind to your poor old MIL.......I could injure myself badly should my office chair shoot out from under me as I laugh.
29 November 2012 at 14:59 • Like



Gloria S: At my age, Willy Nelson is about as good as it gets. Must be those long, grey braids.
29 November 2012 at 15:01 • Like



Gloria S: AC....if you're reading all of this, I blame it on the heat across this side of town.
29 November 2012 at 15:02 • Like



Brian C: Eames? Where are you? Your poor old mom thinks you're ignoring her...
29 November 2012 at 15:02 via mobile • Like



Brian C: Damn phone is still a good half hour late...
29 November 2012 at 15:03 via mobile • Like



Donna C: Who you callin' old Bou?!
29 November 2012 at 15:03 via mobile • Like



Donna C: Bou? Freakin' spellcheck again. *Boy
29 November 2012 at 15:04 via mobile • Like



Brian C: Cougar!!!
29 November 2012 at 15:06 via mobile • Like



Gloria S: When do you two actually board?
29 November 2012 at 15:09 • Like



Donna C: 2 hours Ma :-S We have been here for 4. My phone will run flat way before that.
29 November 2012 at 15:19 via mobile • Like



Gloria S: Have a safe trip. I think, at this stage, that you are coming home to a heatwave.
29 November 2012 at 15:24 • Like



Gloria S: T'wba 31 today, 32 tomorrow and 33 Saturday.
29 November 2012 at 15:27 • Like



Donna C: Yep! And am looking forward to it! I might actually get in the pool :-) Am turning the phone off now. We don't board for an hour but need to preserve what battery I have left so that I can SMS Alyx once we land (she is picking us up). I'll call you when I get home xxxx
29 November 2012 at 16:12 via mobile • Like



Debbie S: What, you are turning your phone off - now who is going to amuse me?
29 November 2012 at 16:26 • Like



Gloria S: For some reason this whole conversation has disappeared from my FB page. Talk to you when you both recover. xxxxxxx



Needless to say, this filled up some time as the airport filled up itself. We boarded on time and as we taxied out to the run way, the rain became heavier and actually started teeming down. The Bear had taken his seat and passed out straight away, so I watched the lights outside through the tear filled sky and said own my silent goodbyes to the United States of America. I was beyond excitement to be heading home but I promised that I would return back to these shores as soon as possible. After all there was WAY too much country that I had yet to see!

Day 29 - Cop a load of this! (Pardon the pun)

It is our last full day in Los Angeles. I am absolutely stoked to be going home tomorrow night but I am sad at the same time. This has been the most amazing journey and I have loved every minute of it. I have seen the most amazing things and have visited places that I have only ever dreamed about. I have been so blessed to have been given this opportunity and know that I am so lucky to have done this with the Bear.

We decided to head back to Warner Bros. The tour that we were taken on last time was absolutely amazing and we felt that we enjoyed it so much that we didn’t mind paying to go again. As it turned out, there are no hard and fast routes that the tour guides need to follow as it really depends on what might be filming on any given day and who might be on the lot. Today’s tour was completely different to the one that we did during our first week in L.A. It was obviously on the same lot however we were able to see parts of it that were closed during our first visit and this meant we saw sets from completely different shows. In fact, we even got within a cooee of the sets of “Hart of Dixie” and “The Mentalist” which were filming today, and actually could see the actors on the sets. It is eye opening really. If you have ever watched a street scene on a TV show or movie, how carefully do you watch what is happening? Did you actually know that the cars that pass in the background are the same ones driving around the block and back and forth? And…when you are watching “extras” in the background of a scene, walking up the street, you might be surprised to see that they too walk up and down more than once. We hoped that we could visit the set of “Two and a Half Men” again however Ashton Kutcher was on the lot and in his trailer outside the studio. Instead we were taken onto the set of “Big Bang Theory”. I was again amazed at the size of the sets – they are almost impossibly small and I found myself wondering how the actors didn’t stand on each others toes!

We spent the afternoon trying to find a moto cross store for Nic and visiting a large pet store so that I could buy my babies something to take home. At the back of the pet store we spotted a large “pet motel” which looked amazingly exclusive. Beside the pet motel was a “doggy day care” and upon further investigation I found that the dogs in the day care were currently playing in a large room with a full length window. I think the Bear would have had more success getting me to eat a banana than trying to drag me away before I had a quick look. He was off wandering the store, so I sidled up to the window to take a peek. I was immediately envious of the two young ladies that stood in there watching over the dogs as they played. What an absolutely fabulous job they had. The room was brightly lit, clean and very, very welcoming for the dogs. It could be easily cleaned if one had a little accident. I fell in love with a Chow that was in there. She was absolutely beautiful and her eyes radiated such intelligence. There was a Foxie who looked like a nuisance; a French Bulldog which was a bit of a wuss, a Welsh Corgi, a Poodle cross, a number of other bitsa’s….and….a short haired, shaded red Miniature Dachshund. He lay at the top of a miniature play gym type thing, just where you would slide down the slippery slide. He had his head down EXACTLY like my Schultz would. I wanted to call out to him, and managed to smack my head against the glass window as I tried to get his attention. Ironically that worked. *insert bruised frown here* He came down off the play gym and made his way across the floor to where the other dogs were playing…..staring me straight in the eye and barking as he crossed. My eyes had no choice but to well over and I crouched down to try to get him to come back over to me. An old lady had been watching me and came over to see if I was ok. I explained to her that I had two Miniature Dachshunds and I missed them very much. Unfortunately this apparently gave her an invitation to tell me her life story (she was a Jew that moved from Israel, to the U.K, to Florida, and then to L.A….just in case you wondered) and she hogged what precious little time I had there. The Bear kindly came and saved me thank goodness!

We wondered where to have a meal on the last night in L.A and eventually decided on “The Cheesecake Factory” at Marina Del Rey. It was only 5 minutes drive from where we were staying and we had been told it was an awesome feed. Strangely I thought “The Cheesecake Factory” might actually be a factory that made cheesecakes *rolls eyes* but apparently that was not the case.

As we left our hotel we found ourselves in peak hour traffic, at night, with drizzling rain. We didn’t bother dressing up as the Cheesecake Factory appeared to have a casual dress code which was mighty fine by us. The Bear knew which direction we needed to drive in, however it was slower than it should have been due to the treacherous conditions. We needed to make a left hand turn at a set of lights, and did so as the light turned orange. There was a car on the outside of us (to our right) who also took the corner at the same time as us. Once we made it around the corner….we heard a “bbrrr bllloooop” (ok…so I can’t spell what it sounded like) which both of us recognised as a police siren. Given that the red and blue flashing light was immediately in our rear vision mirror, we felt that we could safely assume that it was meant for us. The person in the right hand lane took off, and the Bear pulled over to the right hand side of the road (remember this is the USA) to park. He had driven going on 5000 kilometres (the equivalent of more than Los Angeles to New York) and here he was being pulled over on our last night in Los Angeles. I clapped excitedly however as I had been hoping daily that we would end up on an episode of cops.

Cop: Licence, registration and insurance Sir.

Bear: I can give you my licence but I have no idea about registration and insurance. This is a rental car.

Cop: *silence*

Bear: Maybe it’s in the glove box?

(We open the glove box and there is a plastic bag in there containing some papers. The Bear hands the plastic bag to the policeman)

Cop: You will have to remove the contents from the bag Sir.

(The Bear removed the contents of the bag and handed them to the policeman)

(I am craning my neck to see what sort of cop he was)

Cop: You took that turn a bit late Sir.

Brian: (Thinking it was due to turning on the orange light) Yeah.

Cop: I’ll be right back. (The cop takes the papers and the drivers licence back to his motorbike and we stay in the car).

**A few minutes pass**

Cop: Sir I am going to be issuing you with an infringement…..

Me: Say what?

Cop: …..for going through a stop signal.

Me: May I please ask a question?

Cop: Sure.

Me: (Ok…so this really isn’t a question) My husband drove around on an orange light and….

Cop: We don’t have orange lights here. We have yellow.

Me: *dumbstruck* Ok…yellow, orange, amber, pink, whatever. He drove around on a yellow light – so are you saying that this is….

Cop: It was red. I was right behind you.

Me: Ok…so if that was the case, wouldn’t you also be wanting to stop the other car that went around in the right hand lane?

Cop: I didn’t see a car in the right hand lane.

Me: So if you didn’t see the very obvious car in the right hand lane…I put it to you, how is it that you actually saw the light was orange? Whoops…excuse me….yellow?

Cop: I can only pick up one person at a time.

Me: So you picked the easy target? Tourists?

Cop: Now how am I meant to know that you are a tourist??? (Ok..so he had a point there)

Me: My question was in relation to the yellow (got it right this time) light. Is that meant to be an offence?

Bear: It was definitely yellow.

Cop: Sir you were well over the marked line.

Me: The light was yellow!!

Cop: Ma’am. He is the violator and I will have my conversation with him. You have nothing to do with this.

Me: *insert picture of a stick of ACME dynamite about to explode*

Me: How can you say I have nothing to do with this? I am in the damned car and this “violator” is my husband!

Cop: Sir can you please ask your wife to remain quiet.

Bear: *blink*

Me: *bang*

Cop: You will need to sign this infringement and pay the bail before the set court date.

Me: Bail??? Whoops…I spoke. My bad.

Bear: I can’t see that to sign it.

Cop: You will need to sign it Sir.

Bear: But I can’t read it to sign it. I will not sign anything I cannot read.

Cop: You have the choice of signing this, or, you will be taken to jail.

Me: Woot! Can we be on an episode of cops! Whoops…pardon me.

Bear: You are joking right?

Cop: No Sir.

Bear: How am I expected to put my name to something I can’t read?

Cop: If you are required to have glasses Sir, I need to confiscate your keys because you clearly shouldn’t be driving.

Bear: I need glasses for READING. Not for driving. I can probably see better than you…..

Me: Bahahahaha!

Bear: ……and I don’t have my reading glasses here!

Me: Honey I would offer to read this to you……but…that’s right…..I have nothing to do with this!

Bear: I did NOT go through a red light!

Cop: I was right behind you Sir. I had to put on my lights so that I didn’t get hit myself.

Me: *puzzled look*

Bear: If you were right behind me, how is it that you saw how far I apparently was over the line when you couldn’t see the car that was immediately beside me! I am in a 4WD which would have blocked the view!

Me: Hey...am I allowed to.....whoops! Sorry! I forgot! *turns to the Bear* Can you please ask the policeman if I am allowed to tape him?

Bear: *Slowly turns his head and looks at me*

Bear: *blank look*

Bear: *blinks*

Bear: *Are you serious look?*

Bear: *turns slowly back to the policeman and sighs* Can my wife tape you?

Cop: Yes as long as she doesn’t point a blinding light at my face.

Me: *Whips out mobile phone and starts taping*

Cop: There is nothing really important on the infringement notice. You wouldn’t be signing to accept guilt.

Bear: That's not the point!

Cop: You could get out of the car and have your wife read it to you?

Me: Ahh but I have nothing to do with this remember!

Bear: And what happens after it's signed?

Cop: You pay the bail and appear in court.

Me: Appear in court? We are going home tomorrow!

Cop: Everything can be dealt with on line.

Bear: I will most certainly be disputing this.

Cop: Online Sir. You will need to pay the bail first though.

Bear: And how much is that?

Cop: You will be able to find out online.

Bear: You want me to sign something I can’t read, pay an amount you can’t advise, and attend a court hearing…..

Me: Despite us telling you we are going home!

Cop: I have already told you….look it up online! You will need to sign the notice!

Me: In Australia, we don’t sign ANYTHING until we know WHAT we are signing!

Bear: *signs infringement*

Cop: *turns on his foot and skulks back to his bike…..and puts a pair of spectacles on!!*

Bear: He damned well can’t see! Who knows if he even had those glasses on before!

Me: Tosser.

Needless to say, we eventually got to The Cheesecake Factory and made the best out of a bad night!

Day 28 - Damned toilets again!

Back in L.A we are loving the fact that we can get around in short sleeves rather than looking like the Michelin Mans identical twin. We have picked up another rental car (which is a totally awesome Chevrolet) and are enjoying driving along the now familiar freeways. In fact, I have barely the faintest recollection of arriving here only one short month ago where driving on the opposite side of the road scared the living daylights out of me. Heck we have even got used to the smog! I still don’t like the scary palms though. Or the food. Or the coffee.

The warmer autumn (whoops….fall) day made for pleasant driving as we sought out Wal-Mart (YAY!) at Crenshaw again. I was absolutely stoked to be there! Yes….my name is Donna….and I am a Wal-Mart bogan! Unfortunately as they have just had the “Black Friday” sales (these are the sales the next day after Thanksgiving) a lot of the items that the Bear and I drooled over were sold out. *sob* I also lucked out on trying to find “S’mores Bars” for Alyx. We had gone into Hersheys when we were in New York and they had told us that they only have them in summer time (how pathetically dumb is that?) but I had hoped that there might be some loitering in the aisles of a poor, suburban Los Angeles Wal-Mart. *sigh* Nope!

The Bear and I were looking for somewhere to have lunch. At the shopping centre where Wal-Mart was, there was a restaurant that was advertising $8 for an all you can eat buffet! Sold! The restaurant looked clean enough although we couldn’t see the food from the entry. For $8 we figured “who cares!”. We went in and were served by a cute little Chinese girl who didn’t understand a word that we said…and barely spoke a word of English.....however smiled brightly anyway….and bowed as she spoke. The Bear asked whether they had rest rooms (I was absolutely busting) however the cute China doll thought he asked if they had “regular coke”. Repeating the question, stupidly gave us the same answer. *insert puzzled look here* I figured it was easier for me to go in search of a loo. Baaaaaaad mistake.

I found the toilets at the opposite end of the restaurant. I really should have reconsidered where I was looking but little did I know that my need for a wee would affect my whole day, if not lifetime. If only I had have searched out in the main mall and not in the restaurant. *sigh* American toilets definitely had it in for me.

As I pushed open the door I immediately saw a lady in there washing her hands. That was the first thing I saw. The second thing I saw, (and I would SERIOUSLY like to seek out a counsellor who might be able to explain why this was the SECOND thing that I saw) was raw sewage lapping gently in the non-existent breeze. In the other words, the woman who was washing her hands, was toe deep in shit which was overflowing from one of the cubicles. The floor was covered in it and it was still overflowing from the toilet bowl. It was clear that this was not a “new” issue due to the dried toilet paper that was stuck to the walls and I found myself wondering how on earth this freak of a woman managing to utilise the facility (do you like how politely I worded that?) let alone how she was managing to stand in it. Suck me sideways and holy mother of God - I dead set started peddling on air not dissimilar to that of the road runner and my teeth flew out the back of my head. I bolted back out to the table, to find that the Bear had already visited the buffet and was eating his first plate of food. The look on my face could only be matched by the churning of my stomach and the urgency of my bladder.

I raced outside (well…..raced as much as a cross legged penguin could do) and up the concourse of the mall to locate the centre toilets. For the record, they were automatically flushing toilets (I am awake to them!) and were clean! When I went back to the restaurant I told the Bear I wasn’t really hungry due to yet another toilet incident, however I didn’t tell him what I had seen as it would have put him off his food. I went to the buffet bar and looked hesitantly. If the plumbing had a regular issue (as was indicated by the dried toilet paper) then who the hell knows what goes into their cooking! I selected a couple of items of food that I could identify yet was still unable to really eat. I simply didn’t trust the place after that!

The afternoon was spent searching for “Lincoln Park”. Alyx requested that we seek out the park that “Linkin Park” named themselves after. (Trivia: they changed the spelling to secure an internet domain) We had tried looking for it the first stint in L.A however we could not find it. Fortunately Google came to the rescue and we found that it did exist. Unfortunately it was not named “Lincoln Park” – just nicknamed that as it was on Lincoln Boulevard. It was actually named “Christine Emerson Reed Park”. Yep….I see the relationship between the two. Not! Unfortunately there was nowhere to pull over near the park so that I could take a photo for Alyx….so we did the block a few times with me snapping away as we passed. We hoped that at least one photo would turn out, and also hoped that the patrons in the park would not call the police reporting that a strange, overweight dwarf was taking random photos out of a car window, every three to five minutes!

Day 27 - Terrorist Taxi Drivers!

So we made the decision to head back over to the West Coast. New York has been simply amazing. It is intimidating, it is colossal, and it is overwhelming. But beyond anything it is simply amazing. We wish we had more time over here however there are a few things that we still wish to do so have headed back to L.A a little early.

Our hotel in New York was right in Times Square on Broadway. George Benson absolutely heard correctly when he sang “They say the neon lights are bright on Broadway”. The lights in Time Square and on Broadway are brilliant enough to even feel the heat off of them. They are truly beyond description and they seem to go on forever....everywhere you look. This is a city that you do not go to if you don’t like people in your personal space. Going through the square I walked with my face in someone’s armpit at all times (the disadvantage of being short) and with a thousand cigarettes in my face. People are everywhere and there is no escaping them. People smoke in New York because they are so damned cheap (less that $5 a packet). They smoke absolutely everywhere because they do not have the laws that we do. The cigarette smoke chokes you.

During our stay we went to Madam Tussauds Wax Museum which was simply amazing; we visited the Discovery Centre’s “Spy Exhibit” (most of which I couldn’t see because it was so dark); we went to the top of the Empire State Building which was absolutely amazing....and freezing like I have never felt before. We ventured into the underground and rode the subways, which were surprisingly cleaner than I had expected. We only really experienced one “nutter” on the subway – he was a beggar which we have become accustomed to seeing, but he was louder than most and we had no way of walking away. We ate at a genuine “Pizzeria” that also sold food from a buffet type thing which was charged by the weight of what you put on your plate. We went to Central Park which is breathtakingly beautiful. I can see how the park would change personalities through the seasons. We were so fortunate enough to see it in autumn when the leaves had turned. The colours were absolutely amazing, and having the opportunity to play with the fallen leaves was awesome. From the top of the Empire State Building, Central Park looked like a large, brown, rectangular piece of land. To be there on the ground it was spectacular. We saw a couple of squirrels, one of which found a nut and was happy to eat it almost within our grasp. Stunning horses with carriages are a popular way of travelling within the park – however we were happy to walk. It was weird to walk amid the park and seeing several spots which feature prominently in TV shows and movies. I could almost pretend that I was filming an episode of “Criminal Intent”. As I type this I am watching “Mr Poppers Penguins” and low and behold there it is again. The very bridge on which we stood and the very ice-skating rink that I photographed. It was bitterly cold but that added to its charm.

The decision to head back to Los Angeles was one that we did not make lightly. Our 4 weeks here have been too short to see everything but I can guarantee we will be back. Should we ever go back to New York it will be only after we have figured out how to get around without having to use New York taxis. One can hire a car but would have to have their head read to drive in that city. It is just insane. Just insane. More insane however is the decision to take a New York taxi anywhere. Following our near death experience with the aging, Asian taxi driver when we arrived, I was extremely hesitant to recruit another to take us back to the airport. In fact, I was seriously tempted to walk rather than risk a fate worse than death...no matter how cold it was or how far away we needed to be. I was only beginning to have feeling back in my limbs following the initial horrendous journey. We could have had a driver from a private company take us....however that was $150 and that is just ridiculous. So....here we went again!

The taxi driver was one of the 911 terrorists. He was middle eastern man possibly in his 30s and barely spoke a word of English. All was fairly silent as the Bear and the Concierge loaded our luggage into the back of the taxi. I didn’t get the movie camera out again as I was seriously concerned that it would get damaged like it nearly did when we came in from the airport. There is fairly much an unwritten rule – you can break or take anything of mine.....except our mobile phones or my camera.

I slid into the back seat of the taxi and immediately noticed that the driver was completely encased by the perspex. Sort of like a little room. The second thing I noticed was the hand loops (you know the type that is in buses...so that you have something to hold onto if required when you are standing up) fixed to near both of the rear windows. This clearly was not a good sign. Either that or the taxi driver doubled as a gynaecologist (they looked like stirrups) which was not a good sign either. The third thing I noticed was the graffiti sprayed behind the drivers sear. As I looked around I could see that the taxi was absolutely filthy, as was the driver. His hair was a mess, his clothes crushed an awful and he seriously gave the impression that he did not give a shit. I leaned down to get my traveller’s diary so that I could take notes. I had the feeling that this was going to be another one hell of a ride.

When we were on our way I thought I actually must have dozed off. However as it turned out, that was just me seeing the back of my eyeballs as he took off. I tried to get my bearings however my rotten seatbelt locked and I could not move. Sure as shit I wasn’t undoing my seatbelt just to release that hold. I was only just able to lean forward enough to touch the hand rail on my side of the car however this strangled me and actually hurt. I was unable to see the driver as the perspex that he was surrounded in had some sort of distortion (possibly a safety feature) so sent my eyes nuts when I went to look out the front windscreen. Given some of the locals that I have seen, I would not wish to hazard a guess as to what type of bodily fluids could make up the smears on the perspex. Still as we roared back down the Long Island Expressway I felt that it was a blessing that I was strapped into the taxi like an astronaut on the Apollo. This blokes driving was atrocious.

 In times of terror it is strange what you remember. I had my diary clutched in my hands and I was writing down key words as I thought of them. Again this cab had no suspension, no indicators and no damned brakes! His taxi only had one speed and that was FLAT OUT!! He was reckless, he was irresponsible, and he was a danger to society. I lost count as to how many times I swore (without hesitation and had no issue about how loud it was) every time we hit a bump on the goat track which allowed our knees to knock out our teeth. We sped towards the J.F.K Airport (further than LaGuardia) at 130 kilometres per hour zig zagging in and out of traffic (mostly illegal manoeuvres). His speed was such that if he touched the brakes they seemed to become distorted and clearly had an issue. They either failed to stop us, or did so slowly with a “whomp....whomp” sound. I suspect this is because Osama-Bin-Taxi-Driver is a late braker (I am not convinced that braker is a word) and has to absolutely slam both feet on the brakes. This will subsequently throw a passenger through the front windscreen; put the driver’s foot through the floor, and send the engine back into the front seat.

It is interesting what you can see when you are strapped into a New York Taxi absolutely fearing for your life. I was totally convinced that I had the answer to the age old question....”Can you tell me how to get, how to get to Sesame Street”. I was there. I fully expected Big Bird to come walking by any second. I saw a line of ducks doing the “Charleston” across the road and it was then that it occurred to me that it would be in my best interest to remove my head from the roof of the taxi. I was hallucinating. It was also about this time that my aching head thought it heard “BOING! BOING! BOING!”. Now at this point it would not have surprised me if Bugs Bunny was coming along. No. It was Osama-Bin-Taxi-Driver’s ring tone on his mobile phone and I watched in horror as he answered it. The Bear also noticed that this dude was not wearing a seat belt! Osama then conducted a full length conversation in his native tongue and managed to play kamikaze driver now with only one hand on the wheel and sitting sideways in his seat. My head was in an absolute mess as I wondered if a suicide bomber would wear a seat belt in order to save his life....when he was just about to take his own. If he was going to do himself in, he may not wish to wear a seatbelt in his finals hours and minutes. He may have wished to feel liberated and break down the legal barriers just once before his demise. Ok....so we ARE going to die today. Congratulations if you followed my train of thought there.

Osama had to throw out the anchors waaaay too many times when he wanted to ram the cars in front. There is nothing quite like feeling as though you tied up in a runaway train only to have the bungee cord pulled ridiculously tight without warning. I suddenly felt huge compassion for those cats that can’t be swung in a small room. I picture that they would flail helplessly whilst their little heads banged against a wall. (I am so sorry. I am a HUGE animal lover so have no idea why I would come up with this description. I can’t think of anything else) It was like he was playing Russian roulette daring the brakes to fail each time he stomped on them. He appeared to get the dead set shits when the brakes actually pulled us up!

For some bizarre reason Osama then put down the passenger side window a small way. Why he did this I am not too sure, but am certain it would have had to do with his suicide attempt. Through the window came an icy blast in a steady stream.....smack bang onto my face. Again I could not do anything about it given that I was being strangled by my seatbelt. Given that I had no idea how far we were from the airport, I started taking bets with myself - would I die in a car accident at the hand of a suicidal terrorist? Or would I freeze to death first. It was 4 degrees outside but felt so much colder. Without warning the single most offensive smell that I have experienced came wafting through the window. I looked at the Bear with a questioning look on my face (which also displayed fear and the need to vomit) and he said that the smell was coming from Jamaica Bay. I wondered what the hell Jamaica Bay contained, and for some bizarre reason I pictured rotten custard. Heaven help me. I willed myself to try to dream up dwarves and unicorns in a bid to try to forget the smell however I could not. It was at this point that I decided that our New York taxi ride from the other day was a breeze compared to this one. And THAT was saying something.

By the time we got to the airport I was suffering a migraine, a ridiculously sore back, and my frozen nose had snapped off when I tried to cover my face due to the smell. I have absolutely no idea how my legs carried me through however once we got to the airplane, we heard the first Australian accents since arriving in the country, and that made me feel a whole lot better. I still threw up on the plane, but at least it was an Aussie Flight Attendant who pushed me into the toilet.

Getting to Los Angeles after a six and a half hour flight was welcomed. We collected another rental car which meant NO MORE TAXI RIDES!!!!