2016 Trip - Day 6 - Do you know the way to San Jose?

Before I relay today’s events, I need to tell one and all….if you thought that politics in Australia to be a shit fight….then that has nothing on the absolute codswallop in the USA.  When the Bear and I came to the USA in 2012 they were in the grips of an election (Barack Obama had been up for re-election) and I thought that was laid on thick….but I tell you what…..what is happening now is an absolute disgrace.  What’s more, we have to listen to this rubbish 24/7.    But it’s the idiocy of this that creates hype that the media is hungry for.  And the more that Donald Trump makes a dickhead of himself….the more the journalists are lapping this up.   The more they lap it up, the more he hams it up.  The truth is he is a baboon who has pulled his arse over this head therefore everything he says is just the baboon-shit flowing from his mouth.   

 

Anyway today we went to San Jose and Santa Cruz.  We were going to go to Carmel to eat in Clint Eastwoods’ restaurant however we just simply didn’t get there.  In San Jose, there is something called the “Winchester Mystery Mansion” which we wanted to have a look at.   This was the home of Sarah Winchester, whose father-in-law founded the Winchester Repeating Arms Company (it made rifles).  Sarah’s husband William had died from tuberculosis and she subsequently inherited 20.5 million dollars and 50% ownership of the company that her father-in-law built.   They unfortunately had no live children.  They had one daughter, Annie, who died at the age of 6 weeks.    It was said that Sarah mourned for the rest of life.  Her new found wealth did nothing to ease her pain.   A friend suggested to her to speak to a psychic medium, which she did.  She was told by the psychic that her husband was present and he said there was a curse on the family. That is what took his life and that of their daughter!  He said the thousands of people who had died at the hands of a Winchester rifle were seeking vengeance.   The medium said that she had to sell her property (currently at New Haven) and head towards the setting sun.  She was to start a new life and build a home for herself and the spirits who have fallen from that “ terrible weapon”.  She was told to NEVER stop building the house, because if she stopped, she would die.

 

Sarah Winchester moved to San Jose and purchased a modest farm house (along with its 162 acres) , after which she employed a team of 22 builders/carpenters.  They started to build onto the farm house, and continued to do so 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, until she died 38 years later.   The modest farm house had grown to 7 storey’s (although the top 3 storey’s collapsed in the earthquake of 1906) and still has 160 room with 2,000 doors, 10,000 windows and 40 stairwells. The house is said to be one of the most haunted in America.

This…..was right up my alley.

Today was dank, cold and wet.  In other words, perfect conditions to be visiting a haunted mansion.  Given that I had been concentrating on visiting my first haunted property, I had not given any thought to how I would move comfortably around somewhere that had stairs.  In fact, it never even occurred to me that a mansion with 160 or more rooms would have stairs. No 40 stairwells.  Bloody hell.   Given my bad back/hip/knee and my poor attitude towards exercise and healthier living, I naturally assumed that this place would have elevators.    Alas…..no it didn’t.

Fortunately for me, Mrs Winchester was less than 5 feet tall.  In her later years she suffered from bad arthritis.  She renovated some of her stairwells to be only 2 inches high.  Excellent.  As the tour began and our tour guide explained the reasons for this, I mentally high-fived Mrs Winchester for this.  I might survive the tour after all.

Mrs Winchester did all of the designing (without any plans being drawn) herself.  This meant the rooms, hallways, doorways and stairways, were made for her size.  Given her short stature and slight build, not only were some of the steps only 2 inches high, the width of the stairwells and doorways were so narrow, most people had to walk through them side ways.  I sympathized with the Bear who was banging his head on the top of the door frame and having to stoop through each door.  I was grateful being vertically challenged (5 feet 3 inches….and shrinking)…until I got jammed….in a doorway….by my hips and ample  derrière.   Unfortunately given that we were with a tour group of about 25 people, I couldn’t really make light of the situation and yell for someone to “PASS THE BUTTER”.  Fortunately due to it being so dark in there, the other tourists generally couldn’t see this happening, and the resounding “pop” that occurred each time a room gave birth to me, could have been passed off as anything.

Mrs Winchester created doors that opened onto a brick wall, stairways that lead to ceilings, windows in the floors and many other seriously strange things.  How the hell anyone could find their way around this place is beyond me….although the tour guide thinks that Mrs Winchester might have been trying to make sure that the spirits couldn’t find her.   The further we went into the bowels of this house, the more the walls seemed to close us in.  Given the poor weather outside and it being so dark inside……it became a little claustrophobic.  We were warned not to break from the group, because if one of us got lost…..well…….you know…..mmmwwuuhhhahahahahaha! *insert scary music here*

(Ok…nothing would have really happened.  Someone would come and get you).

I felt myself getting caught up in the romance, the sadness, and the absolute loneliness and desperation that this poor woman felt.  She was terrified of these spirits even though she really had nothing to do with the rifles that killed people.  She just married into the family.  I had actually forgotten that this was alleged to be a house with several hauntings….until I was out walking towards the front windows of the bedroom that Mrs Winchester was sleeping in at the time of the 1906 earthquake.  (Mrs Winchester was not killed….but trapped until she could be rescued)  The room was significantly damaged, and although the building around her house went on for another 16 years, she shut the door on the room and it remained in that state.  She did not request that the carpenters repair this.  Standing in a room trapped in time, bearing the extraordinary damage from a 9.0 earthquake, it wasn’t hard to imagine how terrifying this must have been.  I was walking towards the windows just to try to figure out why Mrs Winchester hadn’t been rescued via a window (the door that was jimmied open still bears the scars) when a small puff off smoke seemed to shoot up from the floor. I rubbed my eyes but I swear the remnant was there.  Startled, I looked to the lady beside me and was about to ask WTF??  She didn’t appear to notice anything.   I looked the other way…..and no-one else seemed startled or to have noticed either.  At that point, I remembered the house was allegedly haunted, and turned to walk out.  The Bear was already leaving the room so I hurried up to go with him.  I went to mention this to him and then thought better of it. I am a believer….he is not.

I thought I must have been seeing things, so let it go.  When we had been in the “séance room” earlier, I felt nothing which I was sure that I would if there had been anything there.  Mrs Winchester had a séance room that only she was allowed to access, to consult and seek guidance from the spirits.  Given that I believe that the Bear and I have someone who roams the hallway at night, I was searching for that “feeling”.  There had been nothing there so I trusted my instincts.  I might just point out, that I believe that the person who visits us is watching over the Bear.  I think that this totally sucks given that he doesn’t even believe in the supernatural!  I want my own ghost!  I thought my puff of smoke in Mrs Winchesters bedroom may have just been one of the dirty blokes who had been dropping his guts all the way around, might have farted the dust off a piece of furniture.

A couple of moments later, we stopped in another area, where the tour guide was explaining how one of the people that now haunted the mansion was one of Mrs Winchesters carpenters.  He apparently continues to try to repair a fireplace that is situated in the ballroom downstairs.  As she was telling the story, I felt the sensation of ice come over my face.  I will call it a sensation, as it was not a wind or breeze.  The chill went down over my shoulders even though I had several layers of clothes on.  Again I looked to see if anyone noticed anything, but no.  I looked about for an open door or window, but there was none, not that I expected to find one.  This was a cold that I could not describe.  It goes without saying……I considered crapping myself.

Once the tour was over, we head to Santa Cruz which was another town on.  The Bear had wanted to go to the Santa Cruz Boardwalk as this was the location where a “Huey Lewis and the News” video was filmed.  In the film clip it is a bright, sunny day…clearly in summer…where the beach was covered with bikinis and lads.  Today was a significant contrast given that it was grey and wet.  But…we were there…so we had to check it out.   Not really much to tell here but at least we can say “been there, done that”.   The Bear did get to go to a place that he had really wanted to see, and though the weather was atrocious, I am glad he got to do that.

After we got back to Salinas we decided that we would have dinner at “The Outback Steakhouse”.    This is a chain of restaurants that apparently serve good Aussie tucker.  We have eaten at one of these in Las Vegas on a previous trip also, and found that nothing could be further from the truth.  Tonight was no different.   The restaurant was decked out in everything Australian, yet the staff wouldn’t know an Aussie if they were poked in the eye with a prawn.  I would have thought that this should have been a condition of employment.   However if the proprietors have a menu that doesn’t fit, how can the staff be expected to know better?  Let’s explore some items listed on the menu:

Aussie Chicken Taco’s:  Three grilled chicken tacos topped with coleslaw, fresh pico de gallo, melted Monteray Jack cheese, and herbed aioli.    The problem here?  It’s a Mexican food topped with an American Cheese. Kudos to anyone that can eat the Pico de Gallo.  Lord knows I have tried.

New Zealand Lamb:  Lamb finished with a Cabernet wine sauce and served with garlic mashed potatoes and seasonal veggies.  The problem here?  Hello?  New Zealand Lamb?

Aussie Fries:  Potato fries topped with melted cheeses, bacon and spicy ranch dressing.   The problem here?  Self explanatory really.

Alice Springs Chicken Quesadillas:  Stuffed with fresh grilled chicken breast, sautéed mushrooms, bacon, melted Monteray Jack cheese and honey mustard sauce.  The problem here?  A quesadilla is Mexican!

Toowoomba Pasta:  Pasta with prawns and clams.   The problem here?  Toowoomba has nothing to do with pasta, and we don’t live anywhere near the ocean….so prawns and clams?  Pffft!  Not to mention that Toowoomba is not in the “outback” How do I know this?  I have lived there for nearly 30 years!

This is just a couple of examples.  The food isn’t bad however the experience, if you are an Aussie in a foreign country, is terrible.  Staff in the restaurant pick us for being British even if we say G’day.  *sigh*

Tomorrow we are driving up to San Francisco to catch a flight to Seattle.  Eddie Vedder country.  Excited much!!!

2016 Trip - Day 5 - Rain, rain go away!

Well we are not a week into our holiday yet and I am missing my dogs like crazy.  How I will make it through the month is beyond me. *sigh*

Today we left Los Angeles and started making our way north towards Seattle and Vancouver.  I really love L.A but it was silly to stay there for too long this trip as we have other things we want to do this time.  It will be an interesting month given that we are going north to Canada and then south to Texas, followed by a Caribbean cruise.  We will be going to the very cold, and then the very warm.  My lily white thunder thighs could do with a decent splash of sunlight and if it wasn’t for the fact that Greenpeace will try to roll me out to deeper water, I would be doing that when on our cruise.   By the time we get there I will be absolutely busting to shake off the cold and a good bit of sunbathing would do it.  Mind you given the sights I saw on the last cruise, I would appear to be quite the glamour-puss. Whilst I have fat that might threaten to fall out of my bathers, the elderly people sunning themselves on the top deck DID have something falling out.  In most cases it was their very saggy genitalia. I don't think I have had a strong enough stomach to eat raisins ever since.  

The drive that took us to Salinas, our spot for two nights was long and boring.  There was quite a bit of rain on the way up which meant I could not do my usual and take photos of everything possible from the passenger seat.  The rain also meant that the nutters were out in force driving like kamikaze pilots.   As we have seen on previous trips, the bad weather will bring out the worst in drivers and also as per previous trips, we came across many accidents.  Some were truly made of the stuff that would sell an insurance commercial.  Also whilst on the road, the Bear made an observation and commented that on this drive there was next to no road kill.  On previous trips we have come across racoons, skunks and foxes that lost after playing chicken in the traffic.  Today we only saw one solitary squashed skunk.  RIP Pepe le Pew.

Just while I think of it - I am just going to point out that in Australia we are getting ripped blind at the bowser.   Today the Bear put $25 litres in the rental car and this was for 40 litres worth of fuel.  That is probably the equivalent of under 70 Australian cents per litre.  This is insane.   Its cheaper here to buy petrol/gas than it is to buy water.  I just find that crazy.  What is crazier is how we get fuel from the same place as the yanks, yet we get charged what we do.  Insane.

Arriving in Salinas in the late afternoon, in the pouring rain, was interesting at best.  This was because our GPS had an absolute mind out in the town and had us running all over the place.  I am thinking that because we haven’t had our American GPS updated in a few years. What was more than interesting though was the Bear having a complete smashed out argument with Siri.  It was so awesome anyone would have thought they were married. I just couldn’t tell how it would end.  Divorce papers or make up sex.   What’s more the town was not easy on the eye (not that I can talk) and had weird road markings…and just weird streets that did not make any sense what so ever.    So we were driving in the pouring rain, in an unfamiliar place, with nutter drivers out, and the Bear fighting with Siri.  I was seriously hoping they would quickly get to the “no speaking” stage. 

Somewhere south of Salinas we stopped at a gas station which had a general store next door.  After the Bear had put in the fuel we decided to go next door to the general store to have a look just in case and buy a drink.  Usually the stores away from the metropolitan areas sell some amazing stuff.  Its seriously weird what you can get in the regional parts of the country.  We entered the store and found that it stunk of something that was like a mixture of dirty armpits and boiled cabbage.  We could not identify it, but noticed that there were too elderly men sitting at a card table next to the counter.  I didn’t look to see what they were doing as one of the men got straight up and came behind the counter.  He gave us a welcoming smile and with that I realised what the smell might have been.  The stuff growing between his three teeth. Was that cheese and baked beans? I am sure some vomit came up and into my mouth.   The Bear and I got a drink and the he asked me if I wanted anything else.  I looked around but all I could see was RV sewer kits, RV sewer pipes, cleaner for RV sewer pipes and the like.  There was not much more in the store other than a few grocery lines so I shook my head.  I couldn’t wait to get back outside to breath in some fresh air.   I have no idea why they called this is general store.  Although in its defence it really was very, very general.  If I was in the market for a shitter….I would have been set!

Pulling up at our hotel, we felt a sense of familiarity. We always stay with the Marriott chain, and on this occasion we were staying in Marriotts Residence Inn (more of a budget motel but is awesome because it has a kitchenette).  We stay with the same chain as it does make us feel more familiar with things given the amount of places we stay when we are overseas.  It was no different this time.  Familiar hotel, familiar décor and smell, and of course a familiar bed.  On this occasion however, unlike the places that we have stayed in the past which are used to getting tourists through, I had the feeling that this place did not.  It’s a country hick town in North West California and clearly they didn’t come across too many Aussies.  They could simply not understand our accents.  The Americans say that we talk too fast, which I had never noticed until watching the Bear try to talk with someone.    More Americans speak with some sort of drawl which stretches their words out.  The length of the drawl is dependant on which part of the USA you are in.  In fact, on a previous trip two years ago, when we went into a fireworks outlet in Alabama, the lady behind the counter who sold us a fridge magnet, is probably still trying to end the sentence that she was uttering when we left  “Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaave  aaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy naaaaaaaasssssssssss daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay yaaaaaaaaaaaa’lllllllllllll”

Repeating ourselves is par of the course when we are over here, but it was particularly bad in this town.  However tonight I found that I also didn’t help in making myself understood.  We were doing some laundry (another reason we like the Residence Inn locations) and I was checking our clothes in the dryer.  I found that they weren’t quite dry and was glad that the Bear had given me a dollar to change at the desk if I needed coins to run the dryer again.  I made my way down to the front desk to ask for some change for the dryer. I spoke with a young Hispanic gentleman.

 

Me:   G’day.  I was hoping that I could change this dollar into coin if possible please?

Dude behind the counter:  Pardon Ma’am?

Me:  I was wondering if I could change this dollar into coin please?

Dude behind the counter:  Ah yeeeaaaaa.  Wert wuld ya’ll like?

Me:   Ummmmm…….quarters I think.  Is it quarters that go in the dryer in the laundry?  Or is it dimes?

Dude behind the counter:  Pardon Ma’am?

Me:  I need coins for the laundry.

Dude behind the counter:  The lowandry? Do ya’ll mean the wash room?

Me:  *confused*  Ummmmm…..I guess?

Dude behind the counter:  Yeeeeaaaaa sure we caaaaaaaan Ma’am.

Me:  Thankyou

Dude behind the counter:  Will therrrre be anaaaaything more Ma”am?

Me:  No thanks.  I’m all good.

Dude behind the counter:  Sorry Ma’am?

Me:  No thanks.  I’m all……um no thanks”

For those that are interested, the washing machines and dryers take quarters.

 

After going to put my coins in the dryer, I got in the lift to take me back to my floor.  Just as the door was shutting, a man wearing an overcoat got in with me.  He said he noticed I was going up, and although he wanted to go down, figured he may as well come for the ride.  I gave him a small smile and a nod in response before continuing to look at my feet.   This apparently was not hint enough that I didn’t want to talk although I still did want to be polite.  He wasn’t in my country, I was in his.  So when he started talking again, I looked up politely.  The man said….and I quote “  Do you know what would make a really good horror story?  If someone went to join you in the lift and the doors closed and cut him in half”.  Bloody hell…..WTF? Psycho alert!  When the door opened I was out of there almost running out of my socks.  I kept looking over my shoulder to make sure he wasn’t coming!  What a toss-pot though

Tomorrow we are going to San Jose and Santa Cruz for a drive.  We have been past San Jose before (and I will now have that song in my mind for the next couple of hours) and have not been near Santa Cruz.  We have a number of things that we would like to see there, so I have my fingers and toes crossed that the rain has gone by then!

2016 Trip - Day 4. Movie locations!

Today is our last full day in Los Angeles.  I absolutely LOVE L.A and we have spent a lot of time here in the past, but this trip is about visiting places we haven’t been before.  We just had a stop over in L.A in order to rest up to deal with the jetlag and so that I can get my Walmart obsession out of the way straight up. That way we can actually play proper tourists for the remainder of this holiday.    Just for the record, I don’t believe that I will be cured of my Walmart obsession, and I also don’t believe it will be the last time we go there on this trip.  Today we did go to anothet Walmart which means we have been there 3 times in 3 days.  An outstanding effort!  And what’s more, we visit a different location every time!

The weather has been significantly cooler today which is rare for L.A.  Normally it is warm to hot, which is one of the things that I love about the City of Angels.  Interestingly the smog was horrendously thick today.  For some reason I didn’t think it would appear on a cooler day, but that just goes to show how thick I am.  All around L.A motor vehicle mechanic shops advertise “Smog Checks” however I am yet to understand what that actually means.  It is normally advertised with the oil changes so am wondering if it means that the mechanic checks the smog output from a car.  Today was a good example of why residents of metropolitan cities should go back to pushbikes or having a horse and carriage.  New York is just as bad.  The Bear explained to me that the very heavy smog is due to an “inversion layer” This occurs when cool air comes in from over the sea and comes beneath a mass of warm weather in the upper atmosphere.  The cool air becomes like a ceiling as it cannot rise through the warmer air above.  Pollutants such as car exhaust fumes or even just general smoke from fires, get trapped underneath that “ceiling” therefore causing the smog.   It cannot simply be blown away because of the mountains that surround Los Angeles.   I have noticed however that the smog is not as bad near the water, although the coastal areas are affected by something called the “Marine Layer”.  This occurs when a mass of air is cooled over the ocean and comes in trapped under warmer air above it.  This appears as a very thick fog however this will burn off during the day by the warm sun.
And there completes my educational lesson today!

As we have done a lot of the usual things to do in L.A several times (we have been to Warner Bros 4 or 5 times, Disneyland twice, Hollywood and the Hollywood sign several times, Universal Studios twice and Paramount Pictures once – just to mention a few) ) we have opted not to do these during this trip.  I think its worth mentioning that I believe we should go to Disneyland again as that damned Mickey Mouse needs to be punched in the mouth.

*Warning: Do not read if particularly fond of mice.
On our first trip to Disneyland in 2014 we were met with ten thousand (at least!)  screaming children who would shoulder charge us in the belly button when they were running away from their parents. I call this “instant contraception”   I find myself wondering if this is their earliest training for their respective gridiron/pro-football careers  in years to come.  However I tolerated this as I was only really there for one reason – to meet Mickey Mouse.  I searched every corner of Disneyland and continually cast a glance over the heads of the screaming children, looking for those impossibly big mouse ears, to no avail.  We were approached by countless other characters who seemed to think that we didn’t actually know that there was a dude inside the costume and this got to the point where we avoided eye contact with the said characters (although Beetle-Juice and Frankenstein saw this as a challenge) but there was no damned Mickey.
This STUPID damned mouse managed to avoid us ALL day.  When we FINALLY caught up with the damned rodent at 4.30pm, he refused photos as he was going off to another prior engagement! WTF???  Apparently we could follow him to another side of Disneyland to have our photo taken with him.  I think not Mighty Mouse!  Or is that Mickey Wanker???  Here big nose...I am clicking the camera anyway!

PS:  Mickey stupid Mouse is now ranked up there with other feral costumed morons such as Humphrey B Bear (that wanker twat bear) who refused to answer my letters on behalf of the then 3 year old Alyx 23 years ago.

Anyway enough waffle.  Back to our last day in L.A.   We decided that we would have lunch at The Warehouse Restaurant at Marina Del-Ray which we saw on the television yesterday.  The Bear looked it up on the internet and found that this restaurant was one of the locations where the second “Meet the Fockers”  was filmed. Given that we now have gone to a number of places where movies were made, we thought that we could add this to our list of "been there" brags so off we went.

We hadn’t been driving for more than 2 minutes when the Bear suddenly conducted a u-turn without warning.   I asked him what he was doing, and he just said he saw something and he wanted to know what my take on it was. He pulled over to the side of the road, and pointed to a house, and asked what I saw.  I stared for a minute wondering WTF he was on about, and it dawned on me.  I told him that the house looked like the one in “Father of the Bride” (Steve Martin and Dianne Keating) but a lot of houses in LA look like that.  He told me to look up the tree lined street, and again it looked like something from “Father of the Bride”.  I said to the Bear that it wouldn’t hurt to take a photo (I will add a photo when I upload them) "just in case"  however given that the Bear had only spotted it on the way past, and given that this was just another gorgeous house in Pasadena, that it is more likely to be just a coincidence.  As we waited for our lunch to be served, I looked up the house from “ Father of the Bride”  on my phone, and sure enough, it was remarkably like the house in the movie, as did the street.  I then googled filming locations for the movie, and sure enough it was filmed in Pasadena.  Still there are countless houses like that in the suburb so I told B that when we got back to the hotel, I would blow up the photo on the laptop so that I could read the number on the house.  I would also look the same up for the house in the movie.   When I did this later this afternoon, I found that the were indeed one and the same.  843 South El Molino Avenue.  Seriously….what are the odds?  Of the trillion houses in Los Angeles, the Bear happens to spot this just as we are driving along.   Absolutely incredible.  We actually stumbled on a filming location that we had not even been looking for!

The Warehouse Restaurant as a charming place that has a very nautical theme. It looks rather like a fisherman’s shack. When we got there, there was not another single car in the car park.  There was a man standing near the entrance with a sign saying “Valet Parking” $2.75.  I looked at the man, looked at the car park, and looked at the men again.  This was optimism at its best.  Needless to say, we kindly declined the offer to have our rental car valet parked. The restaurant itself looked like a complete movie set, and whilst the food was nothing to write home about, it was cheap and as per all of the meals served in the USA it could have fed a small army.  We recognised a number of spots from the “Meet the Fockers” movie, so that was well worth the trip.

Just something totally random to mention here, the TV ads in the USA are very different to that at home. There are a lot of ads done for lawyers who suggest that if you have had an injury due to this or that, they are happy to represent you in suing them. That are millions of ads that promote a certain medications telling you how they can benefit you, and how they may harm you.  With every ad I have seen, I wonder how the pharmaceutical companies stay in business as every ad tells you every reason that you shouldn’t!  It always says to consult your doctor, which to me is common sense given that you need a darned prescription to purchase it.  Anyway one of those ads just came on, but I only caught the last line of it.  “Please ask your doctor if you are healthy enough to have sex”.   WTF? 

Tomorrow we are not heading to Yosemite as planned.  It has had heavy snow there, and we would require chains on our rental car.  This is forbidden by Hertz, not that we would have had a clue on how to put them on.  So…we have decided to go and stay in Salinas which is located a couple of hours from San Francisco, and therefore a stones throw from San Jose, Santa Cruz, Monteray and Carmel.  Every time I am in these parts, I am desperate to seek out Clint Eastwood (the one time mayor of Carmel) so if we swing past there, I will put my stalker shoes on.  There is a prediction that there will be a major weather event over the coming days and this will extend to all of the North West and over the border into Canada.  Well that just sucks!

Today’s blog hasn’t been funny like the other days but never fear…..tomorrows promises to  be a doozy! 

2016 Trip - Day 3 - Yay! I take Size 12 knickers!

I had forgotten what a magnificent country this is!  This should be something that I should have never forgotten, especially given the absolute joy this gives me.  It's official.  In the USA, I take sized 12 knickers!!!  This is not something designed to make the larger ladies feel better about themselves.  This is country wide in every store!  Now how good is that??!!  We larger ladies have to sneak ninja-like when shopping from the fat-racks....just in case someone else actually gets a sneak peak of the size and advertises it on the 6 o'clock NEWS.   However shopping in the USA somehow alters the perception and it sure is amazing what this little boost of confidence can do.  Sure....if you witness me shopping off of the fat-racks and catch a glimpse of the size....yeah you go right ahead and advertise it for the world to see.  But just make sure you also how MY SIZE 12 KNICKERS too!  Woot!  I shall use this information in any way that I see fit, and if it means I use it as a user name, password or hash tag 1000 times a day....then kudos to me!  #imasize12undiessostickthatinyourpipeandsmokeit

Today was a rest day following our flight over and its number of delays.  What better way to rest in Los Angeles than to hit Walmart and PetSmart!  These are my two most favourite places in the whole world!

First was PetSmart which is the most awesome of pet stores.  In fact, at the end of each trip to the USA, I take in all of the coins that we have not spent on our trip and donate those to PetSmart.  This store is HUGE and stocks everything and anything for your domestic pets.    Not only this, they have a "Doggy Daycare"  (see photo below)   , an inside boarding kennel, pet grooming salon, and an adoption service for cats and kittens (see photo below).  It’s just amazing. My dogs have a whole wardrobe purchased from there as well as countless educational instruments (ok...they are toys alright?) from there. The cats benefit from my trips to PetSmart also, however I confess that I have had canned cat food confiscated at the border, as once the cans are opened there is meat and fish products in them.  When I went to bring them into Australia (and yes we declared them) the chick at the border had no idea whether canned food is a banned item, so seized them "just in case".




We then set off for Walmart.   In case I have not mentioned this before…I absolutely LOVE Walmart.  It’s a place you can go to for a bargain and in doing so, have the confidence to step out in public in any way that you see fit, and not give a damn.  If you want to dress as Batman….hey….all the power to you.  Just make sure you get that bargain.  If you’re an 80 year old man who visits there dressed in nothing other than a g-string…..well you seriously rock Grandpa! Just try to make sure your bargains include one of the many styles of shorts they have there.   Sometimes I do get a little worried thinking I might be over dressed for the place and I will be mugged for my shoes in the car park….but that apprehension melts away as soon as I walk through their front doors. The only way to obtain something that is cheaper than Walmart, is to steal it.

At Walmart you can buy absolutely everything. It is the only place that I am aware of where you can buy tampax and a rifle.  Come to think of it, one might purchase both together given that some women lose their minds if they suffer hormonal issues “at that time of the month”.  Nah seriously….this place has everything.  To make the most of the time there, the Bear and I split up going to our respective hot spots.  The Bear grabs incredible bargains in the menswear department and on this occasion several bottles of one of his favourite aftershave.  I make a beeline to the women’s department where I usually manage to score some great buys however today I did not. Despite my weight loss I am still buying off the fat-racks.  Unfortunately on this occasion the larger ladies clothing were less than appealing. .  Purchasing and wearing paisley patterned fat-person shorts won’t be happening in this life time, and a nylon dress will NEVER be seen inside my wardrobe.  And when will any clothing distributor ever going to understand that obese ladies do not have the desire to have, or even get around the house wearing a mumu?  On the bright side, it could double a tablecloth I suppose. I did however purchase 10 pair of SIZE 12 KNICKERS!!!

The is a zillion and one things that I would really love to buy at Walmart and have actually considered purchasing things that I want and posting them home to Australia.  The postage would be horrendous though and I cannot justify that.  Instead we stock up on smaller things so that they can be packed in with our luggage.  These include clothing, pharmaceuticals, make up, stuff for the dogs, dash camera’s, my sisters favourite lipstick and SIZE 12 KNICKERS. On a previous trip we had actually placed empty, smaller suitcases inside the big ones in order to fill them at Walmart.  In the American winter though we cannot do that as our larger winter clothes take up more room. We might be shopping beside some of the world’s weirdest people, but hey….when I walk through those front doors….I am one of them!    I would not bat an eyelid if I saw a dwarf riding a pig down those aisles as it would be part of the norm there!  It would appear that a lot of patrons feel that underwear is optional and that is ok by me……unless a testicle pops out of a lady’s shorts.  Even then I would be more curious than disgusted.

Just when you think that things could not get any more bizarre there something will show me that it can.  On this trip, I discovered “Butt Paste”.  Seriously (see below photo).  Whilst the name would have been excellent being seen on a tube of peanut butter, its not.  It’s a nappy rash cream and I
just had to buy it just for the hell of it.

Not much else happened today given that it was a quiet one so not much to tell. Hopefully tomorrow will be filled with something interesting to report!!

2016 Trip - Day 2 - aka Day 1 Take 2 !!

Back on the plane, we finally left Brisbane and began our journey back in time.  I am always amazed at how we board a plane, fly for such a long time, open the door at the other end, and find ourselves stepping into another country/hemisphere/season.  But what blows my mind most of all, is that we land at LAX on the same day that we left Brisbane, not to mention BEFORE the time we actually left.   Well…that’s not the case on this occasion due to the delay in our departure…but that’s usually the way it goes.  And on this occasion I am seriously glad that I get to do this day over, because it has completely sucked thus far!  I always like to call this period…..Day 1 Take 2!!

Once in the air the Captain assured us that he had been given permission to go a little faster to try to make up for lost time.  There were many passengers on board that would be missing their connecting flights so the pilots needed to put their foot to the floor (or however they do it) and give it their best. 

I was still feeling a little dopey after the Phenergan however not enough to stop my face burning, or to knock me out.  Lunch/dinner was served however I seriously did not feel like eating (although hive-five to the chef who made the most amazing zucchini soup) and decided that soup and a bread roll would do me nicely.  My head was still banging, my face was still burning, and we were coming up to the time where the flight attendants put us to bed.  You think I am joking right?   Whilst it is a bit “tongue in cheek” it is pretty much close to the truth.  Because we are travelling in the opposite direction to the earth’s rotation, we are effectively going against the clock…..sort of like going back in time.  This means that night falls several hours earlier than we would normally expect it.  The night is long…and when we land, it is early on the same morning that we left our home port.  To try to help passengers adjust to the time difference, when the sun “sets” the plane has coloured lights, that simulates dusk.  They then turn the lights out, close all of the window shades, encouraging passengers to go to sleep.  This reduces the flight attendants work load during the night, and as I said, helps the passengers’ attempt to reduce the affects of jet lag.    First thing in the morning, the passengers wake up (if they got any sleep at all!) to a sunrise which is simulated by those same coloured lights, and eventually the window shades are opened to greet the new day.  And there you have it.  Day 1 Take 2!

Anyway, back to what I was talking about in the previous paragraph.  I had a headache, I had a toothache and earache, and of course my skin was still burning.  I looked like a twisted sandshoe with shingles and was seriously pissed that we had (according to the flight plan which each passenger has access to) 12 hours left to go.  I couldn’t take more Phenergan and had nothing else on me. I decided that in my bag of tricks, I only had one option left.  Alcohol.  Hit the plonk.  Get on the piss. This of course could have a rather severe consequence.  Not because I was drinking alcohol after taking an antihistamine earlier……but rather just because I was having alcohol full stop.  Possible consequences (based on past experience) include pole dancing;  stripping; , thinking…..no…actually KNOWING that I can sing like a diva and dance like J-Lo. Could I risk subjecting my fellow passengers to an impromptu performance doing the “Charleston” up the aisle?  Or play “eye-spy with my little eye, something beginning with “T” ” before running off with all of the toupees that I could identify?  I decided that I would run that risk, because I was fairly certain I was only 2 heartbeats away from an aneurism.   So…..two rather large glasses of Cab Sav were quickly consumed.  This is something that I NEVER do and I actually waited for my flamboyant alter-ego to make an appearance, however I was out like a light within minutes.  Fortunately I made no attempt to entertain my fellow passengers, or more importantly, I consumed alcohol without embarrassing the Bear.

I slept for a few hours, which was good.  I woke with my headache slightly less painful, and the burning on my face had subsided which was such a relief.  I was almost clear headed enough to tackle my next challenge.  The loo. I won’t babble on about this, in today’s blog.  I have carried on enough in previous blogs about my dislike for airplane toilets, and automatic flushing toilets.  Thank God the loo on the plane did not have an automatic flushing toilet, because quite frankly, I would have a nervous breakdown.    I could not postpone my trip up the aisle any longer so with much care and precision, and with confidence and grace, I made it into the bathroom without incident.  Just as a side note, I would like to point out to the airlines, that they did not have to take the words “water closet” so literally.

Once inside the cubicle, I made the 90 degree turn (as practised in my head) to look into the mirror.  Jesus.  My hair was standing on its end and pointing towards the right as if to say “she went thatta way”, and I had some sort of former food source, dried against the left side of my mouth.  My left breast had also somehow escaped from its bra cup.  I don’t even want to know how that happened!  I removed the dried food from the corner of my mouth and unsuccessfully attempted to fix my hair.  It was clear that only washing my hair would achieve that.   I straightened up my bra and put the escapee back where it belonged, before negotiating another 90 degree turn, to take my place where required.  

Sometimes I seriously wonder if there is a candid camera hidden in there somewhere, where footage is replayed for the amusement of airline staff.  Seriously.  Every damn time.  As I carefully went to sit down, the toilet seat kindly came up to greet me as we struck some turbulence.  I automatically went to fasten my seatbelt.  Yep…righto.  Lesson learned.  There is nothing to strap you onto the loo in the event that the plane is going down.   I looked around.  No bars, poles, handles, bollards, ropes, foot pegs, anything….to be used to steady ones self when turbulent strikes when you are on the throne.  One automatically clenches ones cheeks (both sets of them) in an effort to hang in there.  The fact that the seatbelt sign comes on, and the Captain makes an announcement to point this out is absolutely no good to you at this point.   It is noteworthy though, that on the sink beside the toilet, there is a bottle of body lotion….something which would have been handy to have  this morning when my face was on fire.

The turbulence fortunately was short lived and I was able to take myself and my bruised butt back to my seat and found that despite the turbulence, the Bear was still sleeping.   Over the next couple of hours, I watched 5 episodes of “ Keeping up with the Kardashians”  during which I was sure I could feel my IQ dropping however simply could not be bothered arguing with a temperamental entertainment screen.  We were only a few hours outside of Los Angeles now, and I was determined that I was not going to be stressed during Day 1 Take 2. The fake sunrise presented itself, and breakfast was served. Honestly I have no idea why such a reputable airline such as QANTAS continue to serve their customers paint stripper in lieu of decent coffee.  In fact they could serve it in lieu of really bad instant coffee as this would have to be better than what they have.  Mind you, having possibly broken a tooth on the cold, rock hard, multi grain toast… I was forced to swallow two mouthfuls to try and retrieve any broken bits.

We were about half an hour out of L.A when the Captain came over the PA again with another announcement.  Apparently there was a military exercise taking place in the air space outside of Los Angeles, and commercial aircraft were prevented from entering that at this time.  This meant we had to fly to the north of Los Angeles and come around to land on another runway.  What did this mean? A delay of course.  FFS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I was tempted to ask for the remainder of the bottle of Cab Sav (or perhaps a new full one would be good!) however I kept reminding myself….Day 1 Take 2.  Use the second chance to reduce the stress!!

Finally we landed and I could have kissed the ground.  I had no idea what time it was….I just knew that according to the time and date, I should be departing Brisbane shortly.   That’s just mental!  The Bear and I did our best to bolt to the baggage collection, so that we could secure a couple of trolleys and secure our positions in front of the carousel so that we did not have to jostle through to retrieve our luggage.  We ran….ok walked….ok staggered to the baggage carousel, grabbed those trolleys and secured a pole position, and waited….and waited….and waited.  The baggage carousel was broken.

Day 1 Take 2!                Day 1 Take 2!          Day 1 Take 2!

So hours and hours after we should have arrived, we collected our hire car (which wasn’t what we had ordered….Day 1 Take 2) and were on our way to the hotel.  The Langham Hotel at Pasadena is just stunning. Beautiful. We had opted to book a cottage that was separate to the main, very majestic building and we found that it was just perfect.  It reminds us of “Old Hollywood” which is like a very opulent sixties hotel. That’s a seriously poor description however I cannot find the words which better describe it.  I will post a few photos below.   We walked in, dropped our luggage, and just as most people do, I decided to see what the bed felt like.  It wasn’t going to hurt if I just lay down for a second?  I woke a couple of hours later totally disorientated.  I had no idea where I was, what day it was, or where the Bear was. I was ridiculously sore from the plane and staggered out a little like the robot out of “ Lost in Space”  .  The remainder of the day passed in a blur as we desperately just wanted to grab a bite to eat and get to bed.  As boring as it sounds….that is exactly what we did.    I was relieved to see the end of Day 1 Take 1 AND Take 2.  I am positive that tomorrow will prove to be VERY different!

2016 Trip - Day 1 USA, Canada, Carribbean CruiseTake One (Sorry about the length!)

It seems like we have been organising this holiday forever.  Most trips we have done have been arranged rather quickly, where as this one, has been nearly 12 months in the making.  In fact, we did not venture outside of Australia in 2015 *gasp!* which means this is long overdue. 

Once I was able to tear myself away from my beloved dogs yesterday, we head to Brisbane to catch up with Cow (my sister Kylie) and Mattchoo (my baby brother Matt) for dinner.  Mattchoo only arrived back home a few days ago after spending the last 10 years in Adelaide and I had not seen him in a long time.  I was THRILLED to see him home safe and sound.  

We stayed in our usual haunt, “The Marriott” overnight and were up bright an early this morning so we could have breakfast and get ourselves to the airport.   When we stay in hotels the night before we travel, I manage to forget things that I need to stay with me.  I pack things I forget I will need before our departure.  In this trips case, it was my Olay Regenerist Serum.    Bloody hell….what was I going to do?   Every time I wash my face, my skin pulls so tight it leaves my molars dangling from my earlobes. The serum, albeit brief, can make the skin on my face turn from a desert to an oasis and given that we would be spending 14 hours on a plane, it was imperative that I find something along those lines.  Our suitcases are always left fully packed and locked in the car (we keep an overnight bag out), and there was simply no time to have the car taken out of the car park, and the suitcase brought all the way upstairs.  We would also not have time to grab some from a pharmacy on the way to the airport. The Bear and I had to do a quick scramble to see if there was anything else that might work. The plane trip would be ridiculously uncomfortable without it.   As I tore everything out of my handbag, and the overnight bag that we had packed the Bear found a bottle of “Moisturising After Shave Balm” that he received in a gift set for Christmas.  He offered it to me, and after I asked if there was anything harmful in it (because of my psoriasis)  he assured me that this was the mildest of mild, and should actually soothe my skin given its original purpose.  Given the lack of time, and the fact that my skin was now so tight I looked like the love child of a lizard and Kermit the Frog, I slathered the lotion on.

The relief was immediate…..and short lived.   I think the initial relief was helped by the gentle breeze that brushed against my skin as I leapt out of my shoes and smashed my head against the light fitting.   I think I might have screamed something that would have my Mothers toe nails curl, or perhaps that was just me hallucinating after knocking myself out for a period that was simply not long enough.   I briefly considered the possibility that I had become a victim of a tea towel wearing suicide bomber, however given that I was on the 22^nd floor of the Brisbane Marriot realised this was highly unlikely.   I plunged my face straight under the cold water tap to douse the flames, never mind my perfectly coifed hair that I had just spent an hour doing.   Here is a hint:  Moisturising After Shave Balm, is not a soothing lotion meant for ladies face.  In fact, I have no idea how it is even used on men’s skin, although I suspect I have found the reason why there is so many men are sporting beards now days.   Looking at the positives, I won’t have to bleach my moustache for an unknown period of time.  In fact there is always the possibility that my hair follicles are now permanently scarred and I can say goodbye to my tweezers and hours of plucking.

With that at little drama out of the way, we then made our way to the airport.  I looked less than elegant with wet hair and my face void of make up. However I was now sporting some bright red blotches on my cheeks and chin, which perfectly enhanced the splashes of red that was on my blouse.

Going through customs etc was unfortunately boring as I didn’t do my usual and request to be frisked.  This was possibly due to the fact that I now looked like a leper,   Given that we ended up ahead of time (traffic was ok on the way to the airport, checking in was quick, and customs was painless) I figured that my face combusting this morning was our bad luck out of the way, and the flight to Los Angeles would now be without incident.   It was more than two hours before we had to board, however we grabbed a coffee and settled back waiting patiently for our flight to open.  I finally felt pangs of excitement which had been missing to date, possibly due to the fact that this is my 5^th trip to the USA and I guess everything is now familiar. 

By the end of two hours, I was becoming slightly impatient.  My face was burning, I had a headache, I had a toothache (from what I will never know) and the chairs were uncomfortable.  I didn’t want another coffee as I didn’t want to be heading to the loo on the plane every five minutes.  Those who have read my blog recording events of previous trips, will remember the absolutely ridiculous issues I have with the impossibly small toilets.  When the flight was finally called to board, I was absolutely thrilled.  I decided to pop a couple of Phenergan (antihistamine) which I hoped would ease/soothe the burning on my face and also might help me to drop off to sleep. I settled back in my chair and closed my eyes, willing my headache to go away.  I know that any time spent sleeping will decrease the flying time which is boring as bat shit.

The flight attendant gave an announcement stating that as soon as the luggage was all placed in the overhead lockers and their doors closed, we would be “ on our way”.   The flight attendants had to prepare the door for departure. With that we waited…..and waited…..and waited.  The effect of the Phenergan was settling in, and I was comfortable dozing in my chair.    I almost missed the whole announcement that the captain was making.  I managed to get a few words though:  “Ladies and Gentleman” ; “technician” ; “apologise”  and “deplane”.  Say what??  WTF does “deplane” mean?  My eyes scanned the aeroplane before landing on the closest pilot (who also doubles as my husband) and asked what meant? Ermmm …pardon?  Did you just say that meant we had to get off the plane?  Are you serious???  We had already been at the airport for four and a half hours, and we are being told to hop back off the plane?  Holy Mother of God.   The Captains voice then came across the P.A system again.  Apparently when we instructed to leave the plane, we were to go back into the airport and wait there until we were advised that we could reboard.   All going well we should be on our way by 3.30pm.  It was currently 11am. So….roughly 4 hours.  F**K ME!!!!!!!!   *brain explosion*   The exclamations from the other passengers, especially those that had connecting flights to another destination, was deafening in the confined space of the plane.

Once I stood up to disembark, I remembered the Phenergan I had taken earlier.  No….this staggering, short, leper duck, was not drunk as it may have appeared.  I had taken anti-histamine on a relatively empty tummy.  We were meant to have lunch served to us once we got in the air.  I staggered up the aisle following the Bear and wondered if I just lay my head against his back, whether I would be able to catch a bit of shut eye with my legs just following his.  Hmmmm….nope.   Instead we opted to go back to the QANTAS club, to get a bite to eat in a more comfortable environment and if I fell asleep it would not be as noticeable there.

The Bear was giving me his opinion on what might be wrong, and what it would take to fix it.  He was then telling me how to tie-dye a white rabbit.   I looked up and the Bear was staring at me.  I had fallen asleep whilst he was talking.   He continued saying that some time parts had to be flown from a airport, however given the time frame that this might take,  I would throw bananas at the monkey sitting on the top of the control tower.   Bloody hell.  The Bear was staring at me again.  I shook my head and listened as he told me that the part that was required DID have to be flown up from Sydney.  He said that the tech crew operating this flight, might extend over the maximum amount of duty time that they are allowed to work and instead might need to paint our toenails.   Struth who on earth shoved that Phenergan down my throat?  Probably Elmer Fudd who was chasing Sylvester the Cat up and down the runway.  I shook my head again and told the Bear that nature was calling.  I staggered to the ladies toilets, and sat down to tinkle and found the cubicle to be quiet and dimly lit. I leant my head against the wall…..and fed apple to the aardvark that had crawled in under the door.  Thank heavens for a toddler who started screaming in the next stall because I woke with a start and completed the task at hand, before washing my hands and heading back out to the Bear.  He had wondered where I was.

This debacle happened for our remaining time on the ground and much to the relief of a poor Bear who was suffering from my daytime sleep walking.   We did get away at 3.30pm at which time I actually was wide awake.  It was too early to take any more tablets.   Had we departed on time, I would have slept until we were over Fiji.    I wished that 1 March could be “redone” .  Well in effect that actually could happen, because Los Angeles is 18 hours behind Brisbane, therefore allowing me to live through that date again albeit on the other side of the world.  Cool!!!