2016 Trip - Day 2 - aka Day 1 Take 2 !!

Back on the plane, we finally left Brisbane and began our journey back in time.  I am always amazed at how we board a plane, fly for such a long time, open the door at the other end, and find ourselves stepping into another country/hemisphere/season.  But what blows my mind most of all, is that we land at LAX on the same day that we left Brisbane, not to mention BEFORE the time we actually left.   Well…that’s not the case on this occasion due to the delay in our departure…but that’s usually the way it goes.  And on this occasion I am seriously glad that I get to do this day over, because it has completely sucked thus far!  I always like to call this period…..Day 1 Take 2!!

Once in the air the Captain assured us that he had been given permission to go a little faster to try to make up for lost time.  There were many passengers on board that would be missing their connecting flights so the pilots needed to put their foot to the floor (or however they do it) and give it their best. 

I was still feeling a little dopey after the Phenergan however not enough to stop my face burning, or to knock me out.  Lunch/dinner was served however I seriously did not feel like eating (although hive-five to the chef who made the most amazing zucchini soup) and decided that soup and a bread roll would do me nicely.  My head was still banging, my face was still burning, and we were coming up to the time where the flight attendants put us to bed.  You think I am joking right?   Whilst it is a bit “tongue in cheek” it is pretty much close to the truth.  Because we are travelling in the opposite direction to the earth’s rotation, we are effectively going against the clock…..sort of like going back in time.  This means that night falls several hours earlier than we would normally expect it.  The night is long…and when we land, it is early on the same morning that we left our home port.  To try to help passengers adjust to the time difference, when the sun “sets” the plane has coloured lights, that simulates dusk.  They then turn the lights out, close all of the window shades, encouraging passengers to go to sleep.  This reduces the flight attendants work load during the night, and as I said, helps the passengers’ attempt to reduce the affects of jet lag.    First thing in the morning, the passengers wake up (if they got any sleep at all!) to a sunrise which is simulated by those same coloured lights, and eventually the window shades are opened to greet the new day.  And there you have it.  Day 1 Take 2!

Anyway, back to what I was talking about in the previous paragraph.  I had a headache, I had a toothache and earache, and of course my skin was still burning.  I looked like a twisted sandshoe with shingles and was seriously pissed that we had (according to the flight plan which each passenger has access to) 12 hours left to go.  I couldn’t take more Phenergan and had nothing else on me. I decided that in my bag of tricks, I only had one option left.  Alcohol.  Hit the plonk.  Get on the piss. This of course could have a rather severe consequence.  Not because I was drinking alcohol after taking an antihistamine earlier……but rather just because I was having alcohol full stop.  Possible consequences (based on past experience) include pole dancing;  stripping; , thinking…..no…actually KNOWING that I can sing like a diva and dance like J-Lo. Could I risk subjecting my fellow passengers to an impromptu performance doing the “Charleston” up the aisle?  Or play “eye-spy with my little eye, something beginning with “T” ” before running off with all of the toupees that I could identify?  I decided that I would run that risk, because I was fairly certain I was only 2 heartbeats away from an aneurism.   So…..two rather large glasses of Cab Sav were quickly consumed.  This is something that I NEVER do and I actually waited for my flamboyant alter-ego to make an appearance, however I was out like a light within minutes.  Fortunately I made no attempt to entertain my fellow passengers, or more importantly, I consumed alcohol without embarrassing the Bear.

I slept for a few hours, which was good.  I woke with my headache slightly less painful, and the burning on my face had subsided which was such a relief.  I was almost clear headed enough to tackle my next challenge.  The loo. I won’t babble on about this, in today’s blog.  I have carried on enough in previous blogs about my dislike for airplane toilets, and automatic flushing toilets.  Thank God the loo on the plane did not have an automatic flushing toilet, because quite frankly, I would have a nervous breakdown.    I could not postpone my trip up the aisle any longer so with much care and precision, and with confidence and grace, I made it into the bathroom without incident.  Just as a side note, I would like to point out to the airlines, that they did not have to take the words “water closet” so literally.

Once inside the cubicle, I made the 90 degree turn (as practised in my head) to look into the mirror.  Jesus.  My hair was standing on its end and pointing towards the right as if to say “she went thatta way”, and I had some sort of former food source, dried against the left side of my mouth.  My left breast had also somehow escaped from its bra cup.  I don’t even want to know how that happened!  I removed the dried food from the corner of my mouth and unsuccessfully attempted to fix my hair.  It was clear that only washing my hair would achieve that.   I straightened up my bra and put the escapee back where it belonged, before negotiating another 90 degree turn, to take my place where required.  

Sometimes I seriously wonder if there is a candid camera hidden in there somewhere, where footage is replayed for the amusement of airline staff.  Seriously.  Every damn time.  As I carefully went to sit down, the toilet seat kindly came up to greet me as we struck some turbulence.  I automatically went to fasten my seatbelt.  Yep…righto.  Lesson learned.  There is nothing to strap you onto the loo in the event that the plane is going down.   I looked around.  No bars, poles, handles, bollards, ropes, foot pegs, anything….to be used to steady ones self when turbulent strikes when you are on the throne.  One automatically clenches ones cheeks (both sets of them) in an effort to hang in there.  The fact that the seatbelt sign comes on, and the Captain makes an announcement to point this out is absolutely no good to you at this point.   It is noteworthy though, that on the sink beside the toilet, there is a bottle of body lotion….something which would have been handy to have  this morning when my face was on fire.

The turbulence fortunately was short lived and I was able to take myself and my bruised butt back to my seat and found that despite the turbulence, the Bear was still sleeping.   Over the next couple of hours, I watched 5 episodes of “ Keeping up with the Kardashians”  during which I was sure I could feel my IQ dropping however simply could not be bothered arguing with a temperamental entertainment screen.  We were only a few hours outside of Los Angeles now, and I was determined that I was not going to be stressed during Day 1 Take 2. The fake sunrise presented itself, and breakfast was served. Honestly I have no idea why such a reputable airline such as QANTAS continue to serve their customers paint stripper in lieu of decent coffee.  In fact they could serve it in lieu of really bad instant coffee as this would have to be better than what they have.  Mind you, having possibly broken a tooth on the cold, rock hard, multi grain toast… I was forced to swallow two mouthfuls to try and retrieve any broken bits.

We were about half an hour out of L.A when the Captain came over the PA again with another announcement.  Apparently there was a military exercise taking place in the air space outside of Los Angeles, and commercial aircraft were prevented from entering that at this time.  This meant we had to fly to the north of Los Angeles and come around to land on another runway.  What did this mean? A delay of course.  FFS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I was tempted to ask for the remainder of the bottle of Cab Sav (or perhaps a new full one would be good!) however I kept reminding myself….Day 1 Take 2.  Use the second chance to reduce the stress!!

Finally we landed and I could have kissed the ground.  I had no idea what time it was….I just knew that according to the time and date, I should be departing Brisbane shortly.   That’s just mental!  The Bear and I did our best to bolt to the baggage collection, so that we could secure a couple of trolleys and secure our positions in front of the carousel so that we did not have to jostle through to retrieve our luggage.  We ran….ok walked….ok staggered to the baggage carousel, grabbed those trolleys and secured a pole position, and waited….and waited….and waited.  The baggage carousel was broken.

Day 1 Take 2!                Day 1 Take 2!          Day 1 Take 2!

So hours and hours after we should have arrived, we collected our hire car (which wasn’t what we had ordered….Day 1 Take 2) and were on our way to the hotel.  The Langham Hotel at Pasadena is just stunning. Beautiful. We had opted to book a cottage that was separate to the main, very majestic building and we found that it was just perfect.  It reminds us of “Old Hollywood” which is like a very opulent sixties hotel. That’s a seriously poor description however I cannot find the words which better describe it.  I will post a few photos below.   We walked in, dropped our luggage, and just as most people do, I decided to see what the bed felt like.  It wasn’t going to hurt if I just lay down for a second?  I woke a couple of hours later totally disorientated.  I had no idea where I was, what day it was, or where the Bear was. I was ridiculously sore from the plane and staggered out a little like the robot out of “ Lost in Space”  .  The remainder of the day passed in a blur as we desperately just wanted to grab a bite to eat and get to bed.  As boring as it sounds….that is exactly what we did.    I was relieved to see the end of Day 1 Take 1 AND Take 2.  I am positive that tomorrow will prove to be VERY different!

2016 Trip - Day 1 USA, Canada, Carribbean CruiseTake One (Sorry about the length!)

It seems like we have been organising this holiday forever.  Most trips we have done have been arranged rather quickly, where as this one, has been nearly 12 months in the making.  In fact, we did not venture outside of Australia in 2015 *gasp!* which means this is long overdue. 

Once I was able to tear myself away from my beloved dogs yesterday, we head to Brisbane to catch up with Cow (my sister Kylie) and Mattchoo (my baby brother Matt) for dinner.  Mattchoo only arrived back home a few days ago after spending the last 10 years in Adelaide and I had not seen him in a long time.  I was THRILLED to see him home safe and sound.  

We stayed in our usual haunt, “The Marriott” overnight and were up bright an early this morning so we could have breakfast and get ourselves to the airport.   When we stay in hotels the night before we travel, I manage to forget things that I need to stay with me.  I pack things I forget I will need before our departure.  In this trips case, it was my Olay Regenerist Serum.    Bloody hell….what was I going to do?   Every time I wash my face, my skin pulls so tight it leaves my molars dangling from my earlobes. The serum, albeit brief, can make the skin on my face turn from a desert to an oasis and given that we would be spending 14 hours on a plane, it was imperative that I find something along those lines.  Our suitcases are always left fully packed and locked in the car (we keep an overnight bag out), and there was simply no time to have the car taken out of the car park, and the suitcase brought all the way upstairs.  We would also not have time to grab some from a pharmacy on the way to the airport. The Bear and I had to do a quick scramble to see if there was anything else that might work. The plane trip would be ridiculously uncomfortable without it.   As I tore everything out of my handbag, and the overnight bag that we had packed the Bear found a bottle of “Moisturising After Shave Balm” that he received in a gift set for Christmas.  He offered it to me, and after I asked if there was anything harmful in it (because of my psoriasis)  he assured me that this was the mildest of mild, and should actually soothe my skin given its original purpose.  Given the lack of time, and the fact that my skin was now so tight I looked like the love child of a lizard and Kermit the Frog, I slathered the lotion on.

The relief was immediate…..and short lived.   I think the initial relief was helped by the gentle breeze that brushed against my skin as I leapt out of my shoes and smashed my head against the light fitting.   I think I might have screamed something that would have my Mothers toe nails curl, or perhaps that was just me hallucinating after knocking myself out for a period that was simply not long enough.   I briefly considered the possibility that I had become a victim of a tea towel wearing suicide bomber, however given that I was on the 22^nd floor of the Brisbane Marriot realised this was highly unlikely.   I plunged my face straight under the cold water tap to douse the flames, never mind my perfectly coifed hair that I had just spent an hour doing.   Here is a hint:  Moisturising After Shave Balm, is not a soothing lotion meant for ladies face.  In fact, I have no idea how it is even used on men’s skin, although I suspect I have found the reason why there is so many men are sporting beards now days.   Looking at the positives, I won’t have to bleach my moustache for an unknown period of time.  In fact there is always the possibility that my hair follicles are now permanently scarred and I can say goodbye to my tweezers and hours of plucking.

With that at little drama out of the way, we then made our way to the airport.  I looked less than elegant with wet hair and my face void of make up. However I was now sporting some bright red blotches on my cheeks and chin, which perfectly enhanced the splashes of red that was on my blouse.

Going through customs etc was unfortunately boring as I didn’t do my usual and request to be frisked.  This was possibly due to the fact that I now looked like a leper,   Given that we ended up ahead of time (traffic was ok on the way to the airport, checking in was quick, and customs was painless) I figured that my face combusting this morning was our bad luck out of the way, and the flight to Los Angeles would now be without incident.   It was more than two hours before we had to board, however we grabbed a coffee and settled back waiting patiently for our flight to open.  I finally felt pangs of excitement which had been missing to date, possibly due to the fact that this is my 5^th trip to the USA and I guess everything is now familiar. 

By the end of two hours, I was becoming slightly impatient.  My face was burning, I had a headache, I had a toothache (from what I will never know) and the chairs were uncomfortable.  I didn’t want another coffee as I didn’t want to be heading to the loo on the plane every five minutes.  Those who have read my blog recording events of previous trips, will remember the absolutely ridiculous issues I have with the impossibly small toilets.  When the flight was finally called to board, I was absolutely thrilled.  I decided to pop a couple of Phenergan (antihistamine) which I hoped would ease/soothe the burning on my face and also might help me to drop off to sleep. I settled back in my chair and closed my eyes, willing my headache to go away.  I know that any time spent sleeping will decrease the flying time which is boring as bat shit.

The flight attendant gave an announcement stating that as soon as the luggage was all placed in the overhead lockers and their doors closed, we would be “ on our way”.   The flight attendants had to prepare the door for departure. With that we waited…..and waited…..and waited.  The effect of the Phenergan was settling in, and I was comfortable dozing in my chair.    I almost missed the whole announcement that the captain was making.  I managed to get a few words though:  “Ladies and Gentleman” ; “technician” ; “apologise”  and “deplane”.  Say what??  WTF does “deplane” mean?  My eyes scanned the aeroplane before landing on the closest pilot (who also doubles as my husband) and asked what meant? Ermmm …pardon?  Did you just say that meant we had to get off the plane?  Are you serious???  We had already been at the airport for four and a half hours, and we are being told to hop back off the plane?  Holy Mother of God.   The Captains voice then came across the P.A system again.  Apparently when we instructed to leave the plane, we were to go back into the airport and wait there until we were advised that we could reboard.   All going well we should be on our way by 3.30pm.  It was currently 11am. So….roughly 4 hours.  F**K ME!!!!!!!!   *brain explosion*   The exclamations from the other passengers, especially those that had connecting flights to another destination, was deafening in the confined space of the plane.

Once I stood up to disembark, I remembered the Phenergan I had taken earlier.  No….this staggering, short, leper duck, was not drunk as it may have appeared.  I had taken anti-histamine on a relatively empty tummy.  We were meant to have lunch served to us once we got in the air.  I staggered up the aisle following the Bear and wondered if I just lay my head against his back, whether I would be able to catch a bit of shut eye with my legs just following his.  Hmmmm….nope.   Instead we opted to go back to the QANTAS club, to get a bite to eat in a more comfortable environment and if I fell asleep it would not be as noticeable there.

The Bear was giving me his opinion on what might be wrong, and what it would take to fix it.  He was then telling me how to tie-dye a white rabbit.   I looked up and the Bear was staring at me.  I had fallen asleep whilst he was talking.   He continued saying that some time parts had to be flown from a airport, however given the time frame that this might take,  I would throw bananas at the monkey sitting on the top of the control tower.   Bloody hell.  The Bear was staring at me again.  I shook my head and listened as he told me that the part that was required DID have to be flown up from Sydney.  He said that the tech crew operating this flight, might extend over the maximum amount of duty time that they are allowed to work and instead might need to paint our toenails.   Struth who on earth shoved that Phenergan down my throat?  Probably Elmer Fudd who was chasing Sylvester the Cat up and down the runway.  I shook my head again and told the Bear that nature was calling.  I staggered to the ladies toilets, and sat down to tinkle and found the cubicle to be quiet and dimly lit. I leant my head against the wall…..and fed apple to the aardvark that had crawled in under the door.  Thank heavens for a toddler who started screaming in the next stall because I woke with a start and completed the task at hand, before washing my hands and heading back out to the Bear.  He had wondered where I was.

This debacle happened for our remaining time on the ground and much to the relief of a poor Bear who was suffering from my daytime sleep walking.   We did get away at 3.30pm at which time I actually was wide awake.  It was too early to take any more tablets.   Had we departed on time, I would have slept until we were over Fiji.    I wished that 1 March could be “redone” .  Well in effect that actually could happen, because Los Angeles is 18 hours behind Brisbane, therefore allowing me to live through that date again albeit on the other side of the world.  Cool!!!

2016 Trip - USA, Canada, and the Caribbean - T minus 25 sleeps!

So here we are again folks! 2015 saw us doing no travel and we felt we could not wait any longer!  We are going to some places that we have never been before! Along with the usual Los Angeles I will first be attacking Walmart - the only place in the world where I look forward to going shopping!
We will be away for a month, going to places in Seattle (watch out Eddie Vedder!), Vancouver, Yosemite, Houston, Dallas, Austin, San Antonio, Montego Bay (Jamaica), Grand Cayman, Roatan (Honduras), Belize City, Costa Maya and Cozumel (both in Mexico).  As you can see it will be an awesome trip!



When we went on our first trip, I did my log each an every day religiously.  It kept people at home in touch with what we were doing, even if it was slightly descriptive and hilarious.  When we went on the next subsequent trips, I would start the blog.  On this trip, I will endeavour to get every day completed so stay tuned!!!

2014 - Day 23 - Third USA Trip - The Panama Canal

Today we arrived at the Panama Canal.  It was such an awe inspiring piece of engineering for its time.  Its completion in 1914 (the same year that World War 1 started and the Titanic sunk) made such a massive impact on North, South and Central America.  No longer did vessels have to sail down to the bottom of South America and round Cape Horn, as they could transit in between Central and South America.  If course ships have now virtually outgrown the size of the original canal so an extension is being built due for completion in 2016.  The ship we are travelling on, the Island Princess is the largest possible ship that can still fit through the original canal.  Going through the locks, there is less than a metre to spare so requires patience, experience, technique as well as the power of several mules (engines) that the ship becomes attached to, to make the journey.  Going through the locks happens several times, on the Pacific Ocean side, and the Atlantic Ocean side.  With the ship in the ‘lock”  thousand and thousand of gallons of water are either rushed into the lock to allow the ship to rise to the next level of the canal, or released from the lock to allow the ship to lower to the next level.  It takes roughly 8 to 10 hours for a ship to travel the whole length of the 80 kilometre canal although I can tell you that it felt a whole lot longer.

As the helicopter hired by Princess Cruises circled the ship to record the event, we held up the sign we had made in geriatrics craft class (which said hi to our children) so that the camera could get some pictures of us doing exactly that.  After awhile, it was just me holding the sign hi above my head trying to attract the helicopter in a way that only I can do.  After another while, and when my arms got tired, I gave the idea away.  If they didn’t capture a photo of the short, fat duck in the bright orange shirt waiving a very colourful sign above her head in the first couple of hours…..then I would take it out of their hide.

We saw very little in the way of birds and wildlife along the waters edge apart from the odd pelican or seagull.  We did see a crocodile in the water when in a larger section of the canal coming up to one of the locks.  I figured that the least it could do was launch itself out of the water and take down a bird or one of the old people just to make the day more interesting.  This being said, the area expert on board told us that a person off one of the ships DID get taken by a croc once upon a time when jumping in the water to retrieve a ladies camera which had accidently fallen in.  Quite frankly if my camera fell in I would be jumping also, as that is one of the things that has me hanging onto my last shred of sanity.  I would be willing to take the gamble at this point in time.

Whilst it was the Panama Canal that we had all come to see, and whilst we thought it was pretty darned amazing, after the first few hours, it was as boring as bat shit.  It was a long, slow journey where the oldies wanted to wave at every single person they spotted on the shore and waived like complete retards (ok….so I was in on that with the helicopter….but I wanted the photo!) and seriously, once you saw the first set of locks, the rest was more of the same.  Mind you, we were travelling through the ORIGINAL canal on its 100^th Anniversary so that was pretty special…..but that didn’t make it any more interesting.  

Some pretty weird conversations were had by the Bear and me.  He pointed out that the absolutely atrocious musician/comedian/pathetic person was out on the balcony a couple of decks down from us and along a little bit.  I had sort of tuned out for a little bit and heard him say “and that’s something you don’t want to see in the morning”.  Attempting to catch up on the conversation by adding a comment to indicate I had been “listening” I said “a hard on?”   Mortified the Bear exclaimed “No! The  woman!”     He was gesturing toward the same balcony that the musician was on, and the tattooed thing that was with him.  Whoops!

I also tried to add a bit of Spanish to my limited vocabulary given that most of the central and southern parts of America speak the language and asked the Bear for some hints.  As it turned out, I had been saying “Allah” instead of “Hola” when greeting these people.  Stuffed if I know how I haven’t had my head cut off.  Perhaps that is what has saved me thus far?

I stayed out on the balcony longer given that I didn’t want to miss a thing just in case something interesting DID happen (or so that I wouldn’t miss the helicopter should it come back), I sat with my travel diary and my pen.   The notes I made were as follows.  Make of them what you will:

 

• Is that the ships horn?  No that’s the old bloke next door farting.
• I wonder if they have denture throwing on this ship instead of quoits? 
• On this ship, the Maitre De also has the job description of Funeral Director/Mortician.  On this boat they sure would need it.
• I really need to come up with a better nickname for Grumpy Cat (one of our regular waiters)
• My eye-lids and upper arms (my fadoobooters) now hold their shape when pinched.  F**k my life.
• How do they get the seed out of an olive and then restuff it without tearing the hole?
• I think the man in the next stateroom is dying.  Seriously.
• If you came from Ingham, would you admit it?
• Seriously, what IS that prong in the shower?
• Are we there yet?

2014 - Day 22 - Third USA Trip - What a dreadful show!

So much for our attempt at an early morning swim on the ship.  We have woken to a rather large electrical storm.   We put off the idea of a swim to another day.

Today there is really not a great deal to report on for two reasons.  First, we were at sea all day on route to Panama.  Secondly, as it is Wednesday, it is “Formal Night”.  There are several formal nights on board.  This is where you cannot eat in the dining rooms unless the men are wearing the likes of a dinner suit or tuxedo, and the women are wearing the likes of a cocktail dress.  The Bear and I deliberately chose NOT to bring any clothes of this nature.  This is also for a couple of reasons.  First, we are on vacation!  Why on earth we would want to dress up formally during our holiday?  The easy answer to that is….we don’t!  Second, I will wear a dress on three occasions.  My own wedding, perhaps another persons wedding, and funerals.  I have never owned a cocktail dress is my life and wasn’t about to buy one at aged nearly 48.  Third, I don’t like suits.  They remind me of my father and I do not want that. Make of that what you will.

On formal nights, we have one of two choices for dinner – the buffet, or room service which has a limited menu.  Given that it’s far too warm for hell to have frozen over, we refuse to eat at the buffet.  To eat there is a life threatening expedition where we can be trampled to death given the 2000 people willing to stampede just to get the first bread roll, so we settle for a cheeseburger and fries from room service.

After dinner we decided to go to the scheduled show as it came as being highly recommended by our aging, cruise director, Richard.  Richard looks like the love child of Captain Stubing and the Paddlepop Lion.  Given Richards possible alternative sexual preference we feel that he may have impeccable taste (like my other much loved gay friends) and we opted to go to the show on his recommendation.  This is despite needing to sit amid the several hundred old folk in their formal attire.  The penguins and their ladies (mutton dressed us as ham) looked down their noses at the folk dressed in smart casual wear that dotted the theatre.  That is like waiving a red flag at a bull with me, so with every one of their prim and proper moves, I counteracted it with one of mine. Childish?  Yes!  Fun?  You bet!  It’s always fun to get up the nose of the suits.

The show we were there to see was for a comedian/musician.  I wasn’t sure how they went together but giving that I love both comedy and music, and given that this show came highly recommended, I was looking forward to it.  When the “star” of the show (with an aging has-been rocker look) came onto the stage, he asked who had seen his show before.  More than half of the crowd stuck up their hands and cheered loudly.  This confirmed what I already believed – that it would be a hell of a show.

The bloke started singing his first song “Just a Gigolo” in a scratchy, out of tune voice.  I figured that this must be the comedy part of the act.  Unfortunately….it wasn’t.  I am fairly sure that all of the oldies must have had their hearing aides turned down because they cheered wildly.   As he launched into his one and only joke (one which I had heard before I left primary school) I thought the old folk would have a heart attack from their laughing. I mean seriously, how had they not heard this before?  And it wasn’t even funny!

His second song was “You are so beautiful” by Joe Cocker.  He totally destroyed that song whilst the crowd cheered wildly.  I was enormously offended as that song should not be trashed by anyone – least of all a one person act, an aging and extraordinarily bad comedian/musician.  He launched into a set of songs by Rod Stewart and despite the oldies (whom I know decided were completely deaf) applauding each time, I was more and more convinced that this bloke was a hack.   In fact the Bear described him as “heinous”.

There was not another single joke, just more very bad singing and more adoring applause to the point where we could take no more.  Clearly most of these people were at the wrong end of dementia.  Much to the surprise of the penguins and the mutton we got up and walked out mid performance.   Seriously, WTF?  I should not be surprised that this was the quality of “first class act” on this floating old aged people’s home, but shit I wouldn’t have imposed this dude on my worst enemy!

We went back to our stateroom with the intention of having an early night.  Tomorrow morning we will begin the transit through the Panama Canal before am so we want to be up for that!

2014 - Day 21 - Third USA Trip - Costa Rica

We woke up today to see our Prime Minister being ridiculed on the satellite US NEWS.  We might be in the middle of the Pacific Ocean however one of the NEWS channels that broadcast on the boat headlined with Tony Abbott having problems trying to do a three-way arm/hand connection with 2 others at the G20 summit.  How embarrassing. Not so much with what Tony did, but with how America is presenting Australians. 

Just while I am at it, I want to make mention of something that is in our bathroom here.  We have a shower over a bathtub in our stateroom.  It is small but adequate.  I am confused by something in it however.  Like all showers it has a shower rose, and like all bath tubs it has a faucet/tap.  But unlike anything I have seen before, it has a third option for running water and it is through a pointy prong thing.  I haven’t the faintest idea what it’s for so can only presume it’s for DIY colonic irrigations.  The mention of politics just reminded me of other things that give people the shits therefore reminding me of the prong.   If anyone has any other ideas I sure would be glad to hear them because I can’t take my damned eyes of the thing. *insert puzzled look here*

We docked this morning at Puntarenas, Costa Rica and fortunately it looked to be a lot better that Nicaragua yesterday.  The beaches were lined with gorgeous coconut palms and reasonably clean sand.  It was darker than we have at home however given that we are in a highly active volcanic region of the world the sand is a little different.  I knew my day was going to be a little better than yesterday when it started with one of the locals saying I looked as “good as candy”.  This may have meant he was partial to gobstoppers but I don’t care.  I was quite thrilled with the reference.

We were dreading going on our chosen tour after yesterdays mess however were surprised to find this a little more organised and with the coaches clean, smelling nice, and without water pouring from anywhere.  Our tour guide, Maria, was very fluent in English and I marvelled at how she swung from Spanish to English without hesitation.  I have picked up a few words since travelling through these countries however what little vocabulary I have just would lead the locals to thinking I was polite.  Those who know me know better! Si?

Like Nicaragua, Costa Rica is a poor country although is in better shape due to pure and utter commitment.  Its ethics should have Australia hanging its head in shame.    They work to earn every cent they have.  You don’t work, you don’t eat.  Education is placed above everything.  If you score above 90% in your final exams you get a free…..yes FREE…pass to University where you don’t have to pay a cent.  They believe that this is incentive to try hard at school and make something of yourself.  They do not have an army as they do not believe in war.  If there is something to be fought over, they prefer to settle it over a cup of coffee.  Your taxes go into preserving the environment, saving endangered species and keeping the place clean.  I could go on and on but it just depresses me about Australia.  Their motto is “Pura Vida” which means Pure Life.  Hats off to them.

In Costa Rica we chose to visit a Macaw Sanctuary where they are preserving this precious species and trying to reproduce the ones that are down to critical levels.  These gorgeous birds come in many brilliant colours.  You cannot touch the birds, photograph them with flashes, touch the cages (although several old farts did their level best to ignore ALL of the rules), or even talk to the birds (this drove the Bear absolutely mental).  There were multiple sorts of monkeys (in addition to the Bear) and a couple of “Tapir” which would have to be one of the most bizarre looking animals (besides myself) that I have ever seen.  I was privileged enough to be allowed to feed one a carrot as I had no trace of insect repellent or sunscreen (yeah I know….naughty) on my skin.    This beautiful sanctuary is up in the hills behind Puntarenas in a landscape that was very similar to that of Cairns.  We loved it. 

The people of Costa Rica were beautiful.  I would definitely visit there again.

Back on board the ship we had to pass through security as we do every time we leave.  Each port is a different country and although we don’t get our passports stamped (this sucks!) we still have to go through the usual protocol when departing.   We also have to have our ship card barcode registered with a machine as that tells the Captain when all are on board.  The machine makes a zip and a beep with each card it scans.  Imagine the fun we have, lined up single file (if you don’t include the many old folk, trying to overtake and merge illegally as though we are on the Warrego) with the same old folk imitating the noises of the machine.  *rolls eyes* I mean GROW UP PEOPLE!!!

We still haven’t been for a swim on the ship.  At first this was because I was self conscious of myself in my togs.  That flew out the window when I saw the first bearded clam with teeth, hanging from an old dears bathers and the matted hair on her husbands back.  Road kill was a prettier sight. We are at sea all day again tomorrow, on route to the Panama Canal the following day, so perhaps we might try to get up on deck whilst the oldies are still having their morning prunes.  By the smell of it, there is enough chlorine to kill off most bacteria in everyone’s wrinkly bits so we might see if tomorrow is ago. 

I am desperately looking out to sea every day asking “Are we there yet?”  I know that we are very blessed to be where we are, and most of my comments are tongue in cheek….but I am really missing my bed, my kids and especially my dogs on this trip….although with each day, my big operation is getting closer.  Shit.  There is just no pleasing me eh?! Si!

 

 

 

 

2014 - Day 20 - Third USA Trip - Nicaragua

*Today was just simply not funny.  I can’t even pretend to try and write funny today*

Thank heavens.  Today we arrived in San Juan Del Sur, Nicaragua.  I was fairly sure the ship had taken a wrong turn, and we would end up in the same place as Malaysian Airlines MH370. Too soon?

This was the biggest load of bullshit of a day that I have ever experienced.  First of all, it was a matter of getting 2000 passengers across to the mainland, all in time to start their respective tours.  This meant collating them in one area on the ship, where we had stickers placed on our shirts (I wanted one that said “Number 1 Princess” but had to be satisfied with one that said “Brown 3”. Not happy Jan) like kindergarten children and told to sit in rows in one of the theatres.  We had to stay there until our “sticker name” was called. 

A shower of rain went over whilst everyone was waiting in the theatre, and apparently that meant that all transfers to shore had to cease for the time being.  This meant being stuck in the theatre for an extended period of time, with me sitting right beside a lady who was wearing copious quantities of “Essence of Garlic”.  I had to appear deeply engrossed in my passport in an effort to shields my nostrils from the revolting smell.   Given that I can only flick through the pages of my passport 1000 times before it starts looking suspicious, I thought I would try to buy myself time with some clean air and went in search of the closest loo.  I know that clean air and loo do not go together, however I decided that it might be an idea for me to go before going ashore.  The weakened bladders of the elderly are very contagious!

At the bathrooms there was a large line up, no doubt due to the fact that most of the public restrooms on board were broken.  It might have seemed more simple to come back up to our stateroom however if my sticker number was called telling me that it was time to go, and then I would be unable to hear it.  That meant….I had to stand in the line.  By the time I got to the top of the line I was actually busting to go.  As it turned out, there definitely were a few toilets not working hence our delay.  I was very relieved to finally be at the top of the queue and to see a cubicle become vacant.  An elderly woman around 80 years old walked out of the cubicle and hobbled cross legged past her.  Slamming the door I spun around…….and stopped.  There on the toilet seat, was a decent sized nugget.  And when I say nugget….I don’t mean of the gold kind.   The dear (?????) old thing had left a deposit on the toilet seat…..and her used toilet paper was on the floor. 

To say I was disgusted would have been a gross understatement.  I briefly toyed with the idea of leaving that cubicle and waiting again at the back of the line.  This thought was quickly dispelled given that I was on the verge of peeing my pants, and also because the person that walked in after me would think that I was the grub that did it.  This left me with only one choice – I had to clean it.   First though I filed a mental image in my head of the woman who had left the cubicle before me so that I could absolutely throttle her if I came across her again. I am assuming she wiped her butt and thought she flicked the paper in the toilet however given that the paper did not make it in, a piece of the Polly waffle has landed on the seat. I mean seriously, how does a person do this?  I grabbed a good 6 rolls of toilet paper and took care of the issue before taking care of my own tinkle, and washing my hands 3000 times at least.   I could not believe it.  I could not….believe it.

I took my place back in the kindergarten, in between the Bear and Garlic Breath and waited patiently for “Brown 3” to be called.  When this was eventually called we lined up in a way that Old MacDonald would have been absolutely thrilled with.  We were not cows and sheep anymore.  We were one big melting pot of the whole barnyard going through the line single file without having to be poked with a cattle prod.  We are not on the Island Princess.  We are on the frigging Ark.  We took our places on the tender taking us to the mainland, and looked forward to our day in Nicaragua.

The buses (rusted metal on bald tyres) met us at the pier and we were introduced to our tour guides.  I have no idea what the name of ours was because I couldn’t understand a word he said.  I am sure it would have been something like Manuel, Jorge or Carlos though.  The bus stunk horrendously of mould however we managed to overcome this smell by taking up the only seats left on the bus, those right next to the extraordinarily revolting loo.  This was made worse by one old guy who obviously felt the need to take the dump from hell not long after departing (the tour guy then told the bus that you are not meant to do “Number 2s” on the bus but that ship had already sailed) however it did relieve our pain for just a little while as it literally knocked us out.   This was going to be a dreadful 2 hour journey to Grenada chockers full of the nearly departed.

Nicaragua is a poor, poverty stricken country that has yet to recover from its war.  They have only been in peace time since 1990 and I dare say it will take another 50 years at least to rebuild in full.   I cannot imagine living in a place like this especially given that war on their doorstep is a not too distant memory.  Like anywhere though, if you want to survive, you have to work.  I wanted to save every animal I saw though.  Dogs and horses looked very hungry and in fact, one sight (a dog on a rope) brought me very close to tears.  This was only stopped by the fact that I was in the company of a large amount of people.

On the way to Grenada we stopped on the edge of Lake Nicaragua to look at Mombacho and Concepcion Volcanoes. These are two active volcanoes which hold an almost perfect cone shape.   Its quite mind blowing actually being so close to an active volcano although I really hoped that I wouldn’t be seeing an eruption today.  My head had already had enough today and we were still an hour and a half from Grenada.  

The roads were not that bad although the lack of shockies in the rust bucket did some serious damage to our teeth.  It was ok for the old folk who had dentures as they could just put them in their pockets.  Those on the bus that still had their own teeth (and I could count those….on 2 fingers) became people that most dentists dream of.  Fortunately with very little more than 1 tooth left in our heads, we felt that we might fit in a little bit more than we have so far. That as well as the broken hips that we now had.

We arrived in Grenada after what seemed like a lifetime, and immediately went through a monastery which is now a museum of sorts.  Before entering we were swarmed by a stack of local children who wanted to give us a “free” gift – a flower made out of some plant like material – possibly dried palm frond or sugar cane.  This “gift” came with a trap.  You take it….you then pay for it.  They request money for food and will literally then follow you through the town until you give them money.  That is….unless you are the Bear and I. Despite the poverty in this country, the children showed obvious signs of not using the money for food so we were not going to part with our dollars.   There also were probably 50 of them begging, so even if we did fall for the scam, we could not have afforded it for each child.  Once you didn’t pay up to them, they snatched the flower back out of our hands (if we were stupid enough to accept one for fear of offending them) and went on to the next unsuspecting soul.   Pickpockets were also a problem and it was very evident when they were trying to “cop a feel”.   On top of this, we had people shoving their wares directly in our faces over and over and over as we walked through the old town and who also refused to take no for an answer.  This including one very feminine ladyboy who had the head of a woman, the chest of a man, and I am stuffed if I know below the waist.  He/she wore makeup with perfectly coiffed hair but a bloke’s tank top and shorts, with a black bra on an extremely flat chest.  He/she needed a shave though, so that was a bit of a giveaway. 

The tour guide was very clear when he wanted everyone ready to go by a certain time.  We were already an hour behind schedule due to the debacle that occurred this morning, and not only did we have to try and make up that time, we also had to try to outrun the obligatory storm that occurs in the afternoons there.   Between the begging children, the pushy vendors, the ridiculous humidity and the pending storm, my head was banging harder than it has in its life.  I just wanted to get through the long journey back to San Juan Del Sur where the ship was moored where it was cool and we could get something to eat.   

That’s when one of the old farts went missing.  *brain explosion*

We sat in the smelly bus whilst a search party was sent to find the missing old man, and after another 45 minutes or so, he was found.  No excuse given.   I have the strangest feeling that he went for a massage which included a “happy ending”.  We departed, now two hours late, for San Juan Del Sur, with the rain now pouring.    Just when I thought our day could not be any more uncomfortable, rain started pouring through somewhere above my head.  So this was why the place smelt like mould?  Because there was a damned leak that no-one had fixed?  The Bear and I had to squash together which, with his 6’3” height and my 5 foot roundness, made life evening more interesting than it already was. 

We finally made it back to the ship not long before it was meant to depart from the port.  We were glad to have seen Nicaragua however were even more glad to say goodbye to it.    I just hope to hell that Costa Rica is much better tomorrow.