Day 29 - Cop a load of this! (Pardon the pun)

It is our last full day in Los Angeles. I am absolutely stoked to be going home tomorrow night but I am sad at the same time. This has been the most amazing journey and I have loved every minute of it. I have seen the most amazing things and have visited places that I have only ever dreamed about. I have been so blessed to have been given this opportunity and know that I am so lucky to have done this with the Bear.

We decided to head back to Warner Bros. The tour that we were taken on last time was absolutely amazing and we felt that we enjoyed it so much that we didn’t mind paying to go again. As it turned out, there are no hard and fast routes that the tour guides need to follow as it really depends on what might be filming on any given day and who might be on the lot. Today’s tour was completely different to the one that we did during our first week in L.A. It was obviously on the same lot however we were able to see parts of it that were closed during our first visit and this meant we saw sets from completely different shows. In fact, we even got within a cooee of the sets of “Hart of Dixie” and “The Mentalist” which were filming today, and actually could see the actors on the sets. It is eye opening really. If you have ever watched a street scene on a TV show or movie, how carefully do you watch what is happening? Did you actually know that the cars that pass in the background are the same ones driving around the block and back and forth? And…when you are watching “extras” in the background of a scene, walking up the street, you might be surprised to see that they too walk up and down more than once. We hoped that we could visit the set of “Two and a Half Men” again however Ashton Kutcher was on the lot and in his trailer outside the studio. Instead we were taken onto the set of “Big Bang Theory”. I was again amazed at the size of the sets – they are almost impossibly small and I found myself wondering how the actors didn’t stand on each others toes!

We spent the afternoon trying to find a moto cross store for Nic and visiting a large pet store so that I could buy my babies something to take home. At the back of the pet store we spotted a large “pet motel” which looked amazingly exclusive. Beside the pet motel was a “doggy day care” and upon further investigation I found that the dogs in the day care were currently playing in a large room with a full length window. I think the Bear would have had more success getting me to eat a banana than trying to drag me away before I had a quick look. He was off wandering the store, so I sidled up to the window to take a peek. I was immediately envious of the two young ladies that stood in there watching over the dogs as they played. What an absolutely fabulous job they had. The room was brightly lit, clean and very, very welcoming for the dogs. It could be easily cleaned if one had a little accident. I fell in love with a Chow that was in there. She was absolutely beautiful and her eyes radiated such intelligence. There was a Foxie who looked like a nuisance; a French Bulldog which was a bit of a wuss, a Welsh Corgi, a Poodle cross, a number of other bitsa’s….and….a short haired, shaded red Miniature Dachshund. He lay at the top of a miniature play gym type thing, just where you would slide down the slippery slide. He had his head down EXACTLY like my Schultz would. I wanted to call out to him, and managed to smack my head against the glass window as I tried to get his attention. Ironically that worked. *insert bruised frown here* He came down off the play gym and made his way across the floor to where the other dogs were playing…..staring me straight in the eye and barking as he crossed. My eyes had no choice but to well over and I crouched down to try to get him to come back over to me. An old lady had been watching me and came over to see if I was ok. I explained to her that I had two Miniature Dachshunds and I missed them very much. Unfortunately this apparently gave her an invitation to tell me her life story (she was a Jew that moved from Israel, to the U.K, to Florida, and then to L.A….just in case you wondered) and she hogged what precious little time I had there. The Bear kindly came and saved me thank goodness!

We wondered where to have a meal on the last night in L.A and eventually decided on “The Cheesecake Factory” at Marina Del Rey. It was only 5 minutes drive from where we were staying and we had been told it was an awesome feed. Strangely I thought “The Cheesecake Factory” might actually be a factory that made cheesecakes *rolls eyes* but apparently that was not the case.

As we left our hotel we found ourselves in peak hour traffic, at night, with drizzling rain. We didn’t bother dressing up as the Cheesecake Factory appeared to have a casual dress code which was mighty fine by us. The Bear knew which direction we needed to drive in, however it was slower than it should have been due to the treacherous conditions. We needed to make a left hand turn at a set of lights, and did so as the light turned orange. There was a car on the outside of us (to our right) who also took the corner at the same time as us. Once we made it around the corner….we heard a “bbrrr bllloooop” (ok…so I can’t spell what it sounded like) which both of us recognised as a police siren. Given that the red and blue flashing light was immediately in our rear vision mirror, we felt that we could safely assume that it was meant for us. The person in the right hand lane took off, and the Bear pulled over to the right hand side of the road (remember this is the USA) to park. He had driven going on 5000 kilometres (the equivalent of more than Los Angeles to New York) and here he was being pulled over on our last night in Los Angeles. I clapped excitedly however as I had been hoping daily that we would end up on an episode of cops.

Cop: Licence, registration and insurance Sir.

Bear: I can give you my licence but I have no idea about registration and insurance. This is a rental car.

Cop: *silence*

Bear: Maybe it’s in the glove box?

(We open the glove box and there is a plastic bag in there containing some papers. The Bear hands the plastic bag to the policeman)

Cop: You will have to remove the contents from the bag Sir.

(The Bear removed the contents of the bag and handed them to the policeman)

(I am craning my neck to see what sort of cop he was)

Cop: You took that turn a bit late Sir.

Brian: (Thinking it was due to turning on the orange light) Yeah.

Cop: I’ll be right back. (The cop takes the papers and the drivers licence back to his motorbike and we stay in the car).

**A few minutes pass**

Cop: Sir I am going to be issuing you with an infringement…..

Me: Say what?

Cop: …..for going through a stop signal.

Me: May I please ask a question?

Cop: Sure.

Me: (Ok…so this really isn’t a question) My husband drove around on an orange light and….

Cop: We don’t have orange lights here. We have yellow.

Me: *dumbstruck* Ok…yellow, orange, amber, pink, whatever. He drove around on a yellow light – so are you saying that this is….

Cop: It was red. I was right behind you.

Me: Ok…so if that was the case, wouldn’t you also be wanting to stop the other car that went around in the right hand lane?

Cop: I didn’t see a car in the right hand lane.

Me: So if you didn’t see the very obvious car in the right hand lane…I put it to you, how is it that you actually saw the light was orange? Whoops…excuse me….yellow?

Cop: I can only pick up one person at a time.

Me: So you picked the easy target? Tourists?

Cop: Now how am I meant to know that you are a tourist??? (Ok..so he had a point there)

Me: My question was in relation to the yellow (got it right this time) light. Is that meant to be an offence?

Bear: It was definitely yellow.

Cop: Sir you were well over the marked line.

Me: The light was yellow!!

Cop: Ma’am. He is the violator and I will have my conversation with him. You have nothing to do with this.

Me: *insert picture of a stick of ACME dynamite about to explode*

Me: How can you say I have nothing to do with this? I am in the damned car and this “violator” is my husband!

Cop: Sir can you please ask your wife to remain quiet.

Bear: *blink*

Me: *bang*

Cop: You will need to sign this infringement and pay the bail before the set court date.

Me: Bail??? Whoops…I spoke. My bad.

Bear: I can’t see that to sign it.

Cop: You will need to sign it Sir.

Bear: But I can’t read it to sign it. I will not sign anything I cannot read.

Cop: You have the choice of signing this, or, you will be taken to jail.

Me: Woot! Can we be on an episode of cops! Whoops…pardon me.

Bear: You are joking right?

Cop: No Sir.

Bear: How am I expected to put my name to something I can’t read?

Cop: If you are required to have glasses Sir, I need to confiscate your keys because you clearly shouldn’t be driving.

Bear: I need glasses for READING. Not for driving. I can probably see better than you…..

Me: Bahahahaha!

Bear: ……and I don’t have my reading glasses here!

Me: Honey I would offer to read this to you……but…that’s right…..I have nothing to do with this!

Bear: I did NOT go through a red light!

Cop: I was right behind you Sir. I had to put on my lights so that I didn’t get hit myself.

Me: *puzzled look*

Bear: If you were right behind me, how is it that you saw how far I apparently was over the line when you couldn’t see the car that was immediately beside me! I am in a 4WD which would have blocked the view!

Me: Hey...am I allowed to.....whoops! Sorry! I forgot! *turns to the Bear* Can you please ask the policeman if I am allowed to tape him?

Bear: *Slowly turns his head and looks at me*

Bear: *blank look*

Bear: *blinks*

Bear: *Are you serious look?*

Bear: *turns slowly back to the policeman and sighs* Can my wife tape you?

Cop: Yes as long as she doesn’t point a blinding light at my face.

Me: *Whips out mobile phone and starts taping*

Cop: There is nothing really important on the infringement notice. You wouldn’t be signing to accept guilt.

Bear: That's not the point!

Cop: You could get out of the car and have your wife read it to you?

Me: Ahh but I have nothing to do with this remember!

Bear: And what happens after it's signed?

Cop: You pay the bail and appear in court.

Me: Appear in court? We are going home tomorrow!

Cop: Everything can be dealt with on line.

Bear: I will most certainly be disputing this.

Cop: Online Sir. You will need to pay the bail first though.

Bear: And how much is that?

Cop: You will be able to find out online.

Bear: You want me to sign something I can’t read, pay an amount you can’t advise, and attend a court hearing…..

Me: Despite us telling you we are going home!

Cop: I have already told you….look it up online! You will need to sign the notice!

Me: In Australia, we don’t sign ANYTHING until we know WHAT we are signing!

Bear: *signs infringement*

Cop: *turns on his foot and skulks back to his bike…..and puts a pair of spectacles on!!*

Bear: He damned well can’t see! Who knows if he even had those glasses on before!

Me: Tosser.

Needless to say, we eventually got to The Cheesecake Factory and made the best out of a bad night!

Day 28 - Damned toilets again!

Back in L.A we are loving the fact that we can get around in short sleeves rather than looking like the Michelin Mans identical twin. We have picked up another rental car (which is a totally awesome Chevrolet) and are enjoying driving along the now familiar freeways. In fact, I have barely the faintest recollection of arriving here only one short month ago where driving on the opposite side of the road scared the living daylights out of me. Heck we have even got used to the smog! I still don’t like the scary palms though. Or the food. Or the coffee.

The warmer autumn (whoops….fall) day made for pleasant driving as we sought out Wal-Mart (YAY!) at Crenshaw again. I was absolutely stoked to be there! Yes….my name is Donna….and I am a Wal-Mart bogan! Unfortunately as they have just had the “Black Friday” sales (these are the sales the next day after Thanksgiving) a lot of the items that the Bear and I drooled over were sold out. *sob* I also lucked out on trying to find “S’mores Bars” for Alyx. We had gone into Hersheys when we were in New York and they had told us that they only have them in summer time (how pathetically dumb is that?) but I had hoped that there might be some loitering in the aisles of a poor, suburban Los Angeles Wal-Mart. *sigh* Nope!

The Bear and I were looking for somewhere to have lunch. At the shopping centre where Wal-Mart was, there was a restaurant that was advertising $8 for an all you can eat buffet! Sold! The restaurant looked clean enough although we couldn’t see the food from the entry. For $8 we figured “who cares!”. We went in and were served by a cute little Chinese girl who didn’t understand a word that we said…and barely spoke a word of English.....however smiled brightly anyway….and bowed as she spoke. The Bear asked whether they had rest rooms (I was absolutely busting) however the cute China doll thought he asked if they had “regular coke”. Repeating the question, stupidly gave us the same answer. *insert puzzled look here* I figured it was easier for me to go in search of a loo. Baaaaaaad mistake.

I found the toilets at the opposite end of the restaurant. I really should have reconsidered where I was looking but little did I know that my need for a wee would affect my whole day, if not lifetime. If only I had have searched out in the main mall and not in the restaurant. *sigh* American toilets definitely had it in for me.

As I pushed open the door I immediately saw a lady in there washing her hands. That was the first thing I saw. The second thing I saw, (and I would SERIOUSLY like to seek out a counsellor who might be able to explain why this was the SECOND thing that I saw) was raw sewage lapping gently in the non-existent breeze. In the other words, the woman who was washing her hands, was toe deep in shit which was overflowing from one of the cubicles. The floor was covered in it and it was still overflowing from the toilet bowl. It was clear that this was not a “new” issue due to the dried toilet paper that was stuck to the walls and I found myself wondering how on earth this freak of a woman managing to utilise the facility (do you like how politely I worded that?) let alone how she was managing to stand in it. Suck me sideways and holy mother of God - I dead set started peddling on air not dissimilar to that of the road runner and my teeth flew out the back of my head. I bolted back out to the table, to find that the Bear had already visited the buffet and was eating his first plate of food. The look on my face could only be matched by the churning of my stomach and the urgency of my bladder.

I raced outside (well…..raced as much as a cross legged penguin could do) and up the concourse of the mall to locate the centre toilets. For the record, they were automatically flushing toilets (I am awake to them!) and were clean! When I went back to the restaurant I told the Bear I wasn’t really hungry due to yet another toilet incident, however I didn’t tell him what I had seen as it would have put him off his food. I went to the buffet bar and looked hesitantly. If the plumbing had a regular issue (as was indicated by the dried toilet paper) then who the hell knows what goes into their cooking! I selected a couple of items of food that I could identify yet was still unable to really eat. I simply didn’t trust the place after that!

The afternoon was spent searching for “Lincoln Park”. Alyx requested that we seek out the park that “Linkin Park” named themselves after. (Trivia: they changed the spelling to secure an internet domain) We had tried looking for it the first stint in L.A however we could not find it. Fortunately Google came to the rescue and we found that it did exist. Unfortunately it was not named “Lincoln Park” – just nicknamed that as it was on Lincoln Boulevard. It was actually named “Christine Emerson Reed Park”. Yep….I see the relationship between the two. Not! Unfortunately there was nowhere to pull over near the park so that I could take a photo for Alyx….so we did the block a few times with me snapping away as we passed. We hoped that at least one photo would turn out, and also hoped that the patrons in the park would not call the police reporting that a strange, overweight dwarf was taking random photos out of a car window, every three to five minutes!

Day 27 - Terrorist Taxi Drivers!

So we made the decision to head back over to the West Coast. New York has been simply amazing. It is intimidating, it is colossal, and it is overwhelming. But beyond anything it is simply amazing. We wish we had more time over here however there are a few things that we still wish to do so have headed back to L.A a little early.

Our hotel in New York was right in Times Square on Broadway. George Benson absolutely heard correctly when he sang “They say the neon lights are bright on Broadway”. The lights in Time Square and on Broadway are brilliant enough to even feel the heat off of them. They are truly beyond description and they seem to go on forever....everywhere you look. This is a city that you do not go to if you don’t like people in your personal space. Going through the square I walked with my face in someone’s armpit at all times (the disadvantage of being short) and with a thousand cigarettes in my face. People are everywhere and there is no escaping them. People smoke in New York because they are so damned cheap (less that $5 a packet). They smoke absolutely everywhere because they do not have the laws that we do. The cigarette smoke chokes you.

During our stay we went to Madam Tussauds Wax Museum which was simply amazing; we visited the Discovery Centre’s “Spy Exhibit” (most of which I couldn’t see because it was so dark); we went to the top of the Empire State Building which was absolutely amazing....and freezing like I have never felt before. We ventured into the underground and rode the subways, which were surprisingly cleaner than I had expected. We only really experienced one “nutter” on the subway – he was a beggar which we have become accustomed to seeing, but he was louder than most and we had no way of walking away. We ate at a genuine “Pizzeria” that also sold food from a buffet type thing which was charged by the weight of what you put on your plate. We went to Central Park which is breathtakingly beautiful. I can see how the park would change personalities through the seasons. We were so fortunate enough to see it in autumn when the leaves had turned. The colours were absolutely amazing, and having the opportunity to play with the fallen leaves was awesome. From the top of the Empire State Building, Central Park looked like a large, brown, rectangular piece of land. To be there on the ground it was spectacular. We saw a couple of squirrels, one of which found a nut and was happy to eat it almost within our grasp. Stunning horses with carriages are a popular way of travelling within the park – however we were happy to walk. It was weird to walk amid the park and seeing several spots which feature prominently in TV shows and movies. I could almost pretend that I was filming an episode of “Criminal Intent”. As I type this I am watching “Mr Poppers Penguins” and low and behold there it is again. The very bridge on which we stood and the very ice-skating rink that I photographed. It was bitterly cold but that added to its charm.

The decision to head back to Los Angeles was one that we did not make lightly. Our 4 weeks here have been too short to see everything but I can guarantee we will be back. Should we ever go back to New York it will be only after we have figured out how to get around without having to use New York taxis. One can hire a car but would have to have their head read to drive in that city. It is just insane. Just insane. More insane however is the decision to take a New York taxi anywhere. Following our near death experience with the aging, Asian taxi driver when we arrived, I was extremely hesitant to recruit another to take us back to the airport. In fact, I was seriously tempted to walk rather than risk a fate worse than death...no matter how cold it was or how far away we needed to be. I was only beginning to have feeling back in my limbs following the initial horrendous journey. We could have had a driver from a private company take us....however that was $150 and that is just ridiculous. So....here we went again!

The taxi driver was one of the 911 terrorists. He was middle eastern man possibly in his 30s and barely spoke a word of English. All was fairly silent as the Bear and the Concierge loaded our luggage into the back of the taxi. I didn’t get the movie camera out again as I was seriously concerned that it would get damaged like it nearly did when we came in from the airport. There is fairly much an unwritten rule – you can break or take anything of mine.....except our mobile phones or my camera.

I slid into the back seat of the taxi and immediately noticed that the driver was completely encased by the perspex. Sort of like a little room. The second thing I noticed was the hand loops (you know the type that is in buses...so that you have something to hold onto if required when you are standing up) fixed to near both of the rear windows. This clearly was not a good sign. Either that or the taxi driver doubled as a gynaecologist (they looked like stirrups) which was not a good sign either. The third thing I noticed was the graffiti sprayed behind the drivers sear. As I looked around I could see that the taxi was absolutely filthy, as was the driver. His hair was a mess, his clothes crushed an awful and he seriously gave the impression that he did not give a shit. I leaned down to get my traveller’s diary so that I could take notes. I had the feeling that this was going to be another one hell of a ride.

When we were on our way I thought I actually must have dozed off. However as it turned out, that was just me seeing the back of my eyeballs as he took off. I tried to get my bearings however my rotten seatbelt locked and I could not move. Sure as shit I wasn’t undoing my seatbelt just to release that hold. I was only just able to lean forward enough to touch the hand rail on my side of the car however this strangled me and actually hurt. I was unable to see the driver as the perspex that he was surrounded in had some sort of distortion (possibly a safety feature) so sent my eyes nuts when I went to look out the front windscreen. Given some of the locals that I have seen, I would not wish to hazard a guess as to what type of bodily fluids could make up the smears on the perspex. Still as we roared back down the Long Island Expressway I felt that it was a blessing that I was strapped into the taxi like an astronaut on the Apollo. This blokes driving was atrocious.

 In times of terror it is strange what you remember. I had my diary clutched in my hands and I was writing down key words as I thought of them. Again this cab had no suspension, no indicators and no damned brakes! His taxi only had one speed and that was FLAT OUT!! He was reckless, he was irresponsible, and he was a danger to society. I lost count as to how many times I swore (without hesitation and had no issue about how loud it was) every time we hit a bump on the goat track which allowed our knees to knock out our teeth. We sped towards the J.F.K Airport (further than LaGuardia) at 130 kilometres per hour zig zagging in and out of traffic (mostly illegal manoeuvres). His speed was such that if he touched the brakes they seemed to become distorted and clearly had an issue. They either failed to stop us, or did so slowly with a “whomp....whomp” sound. I suspect this is because Osama-Bin-Taxi-Driver is a late braker (I am not convinced that braker is a word) and has to absolutely slam both feet on the brakes. This will subsequently throw a passenger through the front windscreen; put the driver’s foot through the floor, and send the engine back into the front seat.

It is interesting what you can see when you are strapped into a New York Taxi absolutely fearing for your life. I was totally convinced that I had the answer to the age old question....”Can you tell me how to get, how to get to Sesame Street”. I was there. I fully expected Big Bird to come walking by any second. I saw a line of ducks doing the “Charleston” across the road and it was then that it occurred to me that it would be in my best interest to remove my head from the roof of the taxi. I was hallucinating. It was also about this time that my aching head thought it heard “BOING! BOING! BOING!”. Now at this point it would not have surprised me if Bugs Bunny was coming along. No. It was Osama-Bin-Taxi-Driver’s ring tone on his mobile phone and I watched in horror as he answered it. The Bear also noticed that this dude was not wearing a seat belt! Osama then conducted a full length conversation in his native tongue and managed to play kamikaze driver now with only one hand on the wheel and sitting sideways in his seat. My head was in an absolute mess as I wondered if a suicide bomber would wear a seat belt in order to save his life....when he was just about to take his own. If he was going to do himself in, he may not wish to wear a seatbelt in his finals hours and minutes. He may have wished to feel liberated and break down the legal barriers just once before his demise. Ok....so we ARE going to die today. Congratulations if you followed my train of thought there.

Osama had to throw out the anchors waaaay too many times when he wanted to ram the cars in front. There is nothing quite like feeling as though you tied up in a runaway train only to have the bungee cord pulled ridiculously tight without warning. I suddenly felt huge compassion for those cats that can’t be swung in a small room. I picture that they would flail helplessly whilst their little heads banged against a wall. (I am so sorry. I am a HUGE animal lover so have no idea why I would come up with this description. I can’t think of anything else) It was like he was playing Russian roulette daring the brakes to fail each time he stomped on them. He appeared to get the dead set shits when the brakes actually pulled us up!

For some bizarre reason Osama then put down the passenger side window a small way. Why he did this I am not too sure, but am certain it would have had to do with his suicide attempt. Through the window came an icy blast in a steady stream.....smack bang onto my face. Again I could not do anything about it given that I was being strangled by my seatbelt. Given that I had no idea how far we were from the airport, I started taking bets with myself - would I die in a car accident at the hand of a suicidal terrorist? Or would I freeze to death first. It was 4 degrees outside but felt so much colder. Without warning the single most offensive smell that I have experienced came wafting through the window. I looked at the Bear with a questioning look on my face (which also displayed fear and the need to vomit) and he said that the smell was coming from Jamaica Bay. I wondered what the hell Jamaica Bay contained, and for some bizarre reason I pictured rotten custard. Heaven help me. I willed myself to try to dream up dwarves and unicorns in a bid to try to forget the smell however I could not. It was at this point that I decided that our New York taxi ride from the other day was a breeze compared to this one. And THAT was saying something.

By the time we got to the airport I was suffering a migraine, a ridiculously sore back, and my frozen nose had snapped off when I tried to cover my face due to the smell. I have absolutely no idea how my legs carried me through however once we got to the airplane, we heard the first Australian accents since arriving in the country, and that made me feel a whole lot better. I still threw up on the plane, but at least it was an Aussie Flight Attendant who pushed me into the toilet.

Getting to Los Angeles after a six and a half hour flight was welcomed. We collected another rental car which meant NO MORE TAXI RIDES!!!!

Day 26 - A slight change in plans

Our days are now numbered in the USA and this time next week we will be at home. It seems so strange. The time has gone by so quick but it seems like months since we left. We are both ready to come home I think. We have had enough of living out of a suitcase and just want our own bed. We have decided that we are going to head back to the West Coast so that we can spend our last couple of days shopping and so that we can avoid any chance of being snowed in.

With today’s blog, I might just put some dot points of things that come to my head about our trip or America in general. It might not make any sense what so ever, but I feel like doing it that way.  This will be in no particular order.

• American coffee tastes like paint stripper laced with mud. Get with the program people! This is critical!

• Non-dairy creamer should be illegal. It tastes like liquid paper laced with squashed worms. Or....what I imagine liquid paper and squashed worms to taste like.

• Cheese should be a welcoming shade of yellow – not the colour of a bad fake tan.

• Skinny jeans or long bike pants, boots, and cropped jackets are the go in the USA at present. Everyone that wants to be noticed is wearing these.

• Large bike pants, long t-shirt and joggers are poor substitutes in relation to the above dress code and the wearer is more likely to be noticed for the wrong reasons.

• If the above mentioned fat clothes do not get one noticed...and you really want to get noticed.....try making a dick of yourself in public although that is not guaranteed to work in America.

• Buffalo wings, burgers, quesadillas, orange cheese and pretzels are the American staples. If you are going to the USA make sure you book in an angioplasty for when you return.

• Never...and I mean never.....take a ride in a New York taxi. Walk, crawl, swim, fake a heart attack and get an ambulance.....anything other than taking the taxi.

• Hershey chocolate bars are actually quite disgusting!

• Thanksgiving is just another reason for a piss up! I do like the idea in principal though.

• Never try to remove your underwear whilst keeping your trousers on whilst sitting on an automatically flushing loo.

• Never pick up anything off the toilet floor whilst sitting on an automatically flushing loo.

• Make sure you know you are on an automatically flushing loo before you bend around to try to flush it.

• Make sure you are on an automatically flushing loo before doing your business and just walking away and thinking that the loo will take care of it.

• I love grits. It might resemble and taste like baby food but hey...I dig it!

• Wal-Mart totally rocks!

• S’mores are only available in summer here. WTF??

• Cars don’t necessarily need a bonnet, bumper bar, or even a steering wheel in this country. As long as you have a horn you are king of the road apparently!

• Honk your horn long and loud. You don’t need a reason...just do it!

• Under no circumstances use an indicator. To let another driver know which direction you want to go in just doesn’t bare thinking about.

• Fish tacos. What the???

• No...I am not British. Say it again and I will smack you over the head with a Murray River Cod.

• No...we do not want to open a window on the 45th floor of a building to get fresh air just because you choose to turn off the air-conditioning for the whole of the cold season. Bungee jumping into a river of rattlesnakes might sound like a good idea too but that does not mean I am going to go ahead and do it!

• Who the hell turns off the air-conditioning for the duration of the winter months??

• Who the hell makes a building where you can open the window (without any safety barrier) on the 45th floor?

• Who...are you. Who, who...who, who.

• Palm trees CAN look like angry men!

• Gene Simmons seriously has a sexy......front gate.

• Cosmetics are a third of the price here. A good reason to buy it even if you do not wear it.

• Finally fat racks that attempt to make the larger lady look good. We still might look like Aardvarks in drag....but hey at least you try.

• What the hell is that smell????

• Put up the price of cigarettes Mr President. It’s no wonder that 9 out of 10 people smoke!

• As a matter of fact, stop people smoking in public places too!

• While I am thinking about it please introduce meat pies and sausage rolls to America!

• Also Mr President could you please state that you would like Charlie Sheen back on Two and a Half Men? Your word might just carry some weight.

• Walgreens, Wal-Mart and Sonic should all open up in Australia.

• What is it with the taxes here? Just add a GST so we know what we are paying upfront.

• No you don’t deserve a tip but I will give you one so that you don’t spit in my drink.

• Why do donkeys need less water than horses? Are they part camel?

• The ice-cream here is pretty damned good!

• What time is it at home?

Day 25 - :-(

***Rest in Peace - Larry Hagman - who died tonight here tonight at the age of 81***

Larry Hagman was the very first actor that I remember being obsessed with having falling in love with Major Anthony Nelson at the ripe old age of 6 or 7.  I have always continued to consider him to be one of the most handsome men in the world despite not being a fan of the way he conducted his life.  He was the first man other than my Father and Grandad to make me laugh.

Day 24 - Our near death experience! Bloody New York Cabs!

Well there are really no words to describe today. I can try to....but I really think it would be a hopeless effort.

We received a wakeup call at 3.30 am at our hotel in Memphis. We had to leave for the airport at 4 am as we had to check in by 4.30. Having only had about 2 minutes sleep (thanks to the midnight train, the 12.05am, 12.10am, 12.15am etc....and especially the 1am train - which blew its horn so loudly and without warning TWICE that my arse nearly ended up over my ears) I was fairly eager just to get to New York so that I could sleep.

On the drive to the airport the freeways were still busy....no doubt due to it being Thanksgiving. Fortunately it was a relatively easy run, and we made it to the Hertz office before catching the subsequent shuttle to the airport in good time. We were having another two step journey – the first to Atlanta....and the second to New York.

Whilst we were bleary eyed, the officers at security were bright eyed and bushy tailed (which was absolutely disgusting) and greeted us with a smile. Remembering our horrendous experience at Albuquerque where we nearly missed the flight and had a number of our toiletries confiscated, I was a little apprehensive (ok...I was shitting myself) but remembered we went through everything the night before. We were fine.  So....shoes off, bags of liquids out, mobile etc out....through the nudey x-ray machine.  However I wasn’t able to go any further because the Bear had some bloke touching him up.  Just my luck....he was getting a frisk search when I had been begging for one at every opportunity.  I watched with interest as the Bear was made to take off his belt, and the officer ran his fingers on the inside of his jeans.  I was just about to make a joke to lighten up the situation, when another lady asked if one of the suitcases was mine.  Yes it was thank you very ta! She advised that she needed to inspect it. FFS!!!!! One officer had his hands in my husband’s pants, and some lady wanted to go through my knickers! So much for early morning peace and quiet – we had ended up in an orgy! The lady went through the bag and swabbed it for drugs....and as it turns out.....we didn’t have any!  No shit Sherlock!  Apparently the items that we had in there to declare at Australian Customs when we get home appeared to be suss. Yeah right.  Not. We just had perverted security officers.

The next couple of hours went by without incident....until we were making our decent into Atlanta Airport.  Because Atlanta is the main hub throughout America there are countless flights coming in and out without a break during the day. That means that we were lined up behind several flights that were landing, and we would have had just as many behind us. Descending into Atlanta on a beautiful day without a breath of wind should have been uneventful.....but without warning we had a sudden drop of one wing followed by the other (sort of in a rolling manner) as well as the feeling of dropping.  The plane seemed to be completely unbalanced which is something I had never experienced before.  This was not turbulence.  As I shit pink pigs....I looked at the Bear and asked if this was normal? Of course I expected him to lie just to pacify me.  He paused (never a good sign) before saying that it was not "abnormal"....and he thought it was caused by “wake turbulence” caused by the plane in front.  In any case we landed safely and we disembarked in order to catch the next flight.

You might remember that I said that Atlanta Airport is absolutely HUGE.  Just massive....and you need to take an underground train to get to other terminals if required.  This was again required by us so we caught the train in order to get across to terminal number 1543 (by the way, did you know that 120% of Americans exaggerate?) and the next flight.  I took this opportunity to visit the ladies room – where I heard an African/American woman in one stall trying to encourage her little girl to do a “pee-pee” in the next. I wasn't used to hearing such loud encouragement and I hoped that the little girl managed to achieve this.  I nearly broke out into applause when she did.  I watched as the lady came out of her cubicle with the back of her cardigan stuffed down the back of her tracksuit pants. I saw her husband look at it, roll his eyes and then fail to inform the woman about it...so I followed suit.

Catching the next flight to New York was a little more interesting. The flight deck was bustling with the sound of feminine chatter. Yes....Lyndon and Adam were going to be our stewards today - they had stepped straight out of the “Fast Forward” set (the gay flight attendants – not that there’s anything wrong with that) and were ready to take on the world. A man approached Lyndon and asked where he could put his carry-on luggage as the overheads were full.  Lyndon squealed excitedly and said (prancing around like a fairy) “Ooooooowweeeeh! Let me find a little space for you!”. A little space. Yes I am sure he could. Adam (who was poorly dressed but clearly tried to tidy himself up for Lyndon) winked with a smile. Good grief.

The flight was relatively without incident – the exception being when the woman across the aisle could not negotiate her boot heels (therefore resembling a beaver with vertigo), and took a tumble into her husband’s Bloody Mary in a less than graceful manner. Lyndon was onto it straight away.....and came running with butt cheeks tight with a tin of soda water and a large pile of napkins. The Bear also copped some of the Bloody Mary however Lyndon only had eyes for the beaver’s husband.

Descending into LaGuardia the Bear and I were overwhelmed with what we saw. The sheer size of New York City and especially the Manhattan Skyline was beyond belief. Lady Liberty sat in the middle of the Hudson River in solitude. I have no idea why I thought she might have been closer to shore. The Brooklyn Bridge, The Empire State Building etc – places that I had only ever dreamed about ever seeing lay right before my eyes. Just amazing. Just insane. We landed safely, retrieved our bags and set outside to catch a taxi. I thought it would be cooler outside however I had sweat running down my back and the beginnings of a headache. I was very relieved that we would soon be at our hotel. My God – how little did I know.....?

Our cab driver was an aging Asian and less than talkative. The cab had panels of perspex between us and the driver and it was very hard to communicate with him. I set our video recorder to record as I wanted to tape our first moments in the “Big Apple”.  Bloody hell and suck me sideways – what a freaking nightmare. The Asian dropped his foot on the accelerator and we were thrown back into our seats. I had no idea that it was possible to hit 100 kph in 10 seconds with only 20 metres of room. The Asian was off and running going absolutely flat out on the Long Island Express Way. And I mean FLAT OUT.  The road was actually worse than the goat track that we call the Warrego Highway so every bump in the road was felt through every one of our vertebra when our hips hit our ears. This cab had no suspension, apparently no indicators, and obviously no damned brakes!  I think it might have been around the same time that my spleen was ruptured when I looked at the Bear and he appeared to have his head lowered in prayer. Yep....we were going to die today.

I turned the video recorder around to leave a message for my Mum, when we hit another canyon in the road.  I smacked myself in the scone with it and immediately wondered what my description would be when claiming the damage through our insurance.   My right boob was flung over my left shoulder and I am sure I chipped a tooth on the door handle.  I let out an appropriate expletive and then realised that my Mother would no longer be able to view this message.  I took this opportunity to let my hair down and let loose with an absolute gutter roll of the worst possible language...and thanked the universe for me having the common sense to update my will before I left Australia.  I again looked across at the Bear who apparently was finding the time to invent a new yoga pose....although as it turns out he just landed with his left foot in his mouth after hitting the last bump.  Little did I know there was worse to come. You know, for an intelligent person I can sometimes be so damned stupid. Manhattan is an island – which means to get there we had to go over the water, or under it. It was becoming increasingly obvious that we were going to have to go under it – and with my fear of tunnels....I dead set lost my shit.

Fortunately in the tunnel the cab driver was unable to change lanes as there was a divider in between the lanes. Instead he tail gated the person in front and drove in a “roo-like” fashion....jerking.....jerking. Once out the other side he resumed his driving-like-a-blind-man-backwards and we again were treated to the ride from hell – except we were now being enveloped by the extraordinarily high buildings. This seemed to make it all the more scary if that were possible.  Lucky for us the Thanksgiving Day Parades caused a lot of the streets to be closed off and we entered the world’s worst traffic jam. 6 000 000 little yellow taxis were trying to bully their way into the few lanes that were open and the sounds of horns became deafening.  It was grid lock in a way that I never thought possible and I was convinced we were on the set of a movie.  The cab driver tried to make a right hand turn up one of the streets that had been blocked off however was stopped by a NYPD Officer. The cab driver was told he needed to drive straight ahead. He didn’t take to this kindly and tried to take the officer on.  I momentarily forgot my now very broken bones and brain damage, and looked forward to appearing on an episode of COPS.  I realised I hadn’t checked the Bears pulse for a few kilometres – the fright of this ride would have been enough to cause a heart attack – however he was ok. He was a colour that had yet to be named, but he was ok. I checked my own pulse just in case I had actually died and had landed in Hades...but alas I was very much alive.  The cab driver planted his foot again to show his lack of appreciation to the police officers. How he didn’t end up with the cab in the back seat of the vehicle in front is completely beyond me because I am sure I could smell its drivers breath.   I also had pictures of the three of us sitting in a jail cell "Seinfeld" style.

 The very irate cab driver called back and said “Why you want to come to dis cwaaaazy city? No-one comes to dis cwaaaazy city on fanks giving!”. The Bear politely told him that we do not celebrate this holiday in Australia so we are not to know. The cab driver said “you got too much damned suitcases! If you don’t have dat you can walk!”. The Bear again politely advised that we had just flown in (which I would have thought was apparent given that we had been picked up from the airport. The cab driver seemed to forget this) and that’s what you get when you do that. With that....the cab driver rifles around in a plastic bag that he had on his seat, and takes out a banana. As if my tummy wasn’t wrapped around my backbone as it was, the taxi was suddenly filled with the smell of banana. I was still taping at this stage, but had to turn the recorder off as I covered my face with my jumper to stifle the dry retching.

At every opportunity this dude slammed his foot down, and threw the cab around. He broke every rule in the book when it came to his driving, including not giving way to a pedestrian on a crossing. Having missed her by a coat of paint, she stopped and stuck her head near the window and completely lost it at him (and I certainly don’t blame her). His response? “FOK YOU!!” before slamming his foot back down forcing my nose through the back of my head. I looked across that the Bear who was now grinning....or perhaps he had just suffered a stroke.  I was preparing to make a deal with the driver, with the intent of offering a decent tip if we got to the hotel alive, when he just started muttering “FOK! FOK! FOK!”.  I shut up and started crying for my Mummy.

I could go on and on.  This cab ride lasted forever, cost a fortune, damaged my kidneys not to mention a whole lot more, but we eventually made it to the hotel alive. I is absolutely beyond me how. I am left wondering how we will get to places in New York whilst refusing to ever take a taxi again!